Friday, December 31, 2010

Recipie for chocolate

Thursday morning. Daddy is in the shower. Goobs is upstairs in his crib playing while Daddy takes his shower. Bean is downstairs playing. Mommy is in the basement. There is commotion in the living room where Bean is playing.

Daddy: (Dripping wet and in a towel, he came to make sure that things were ok) "What's going on down here?"

Bean: (Moving three empty laundry baskets around, lifting them in the air, throwing them down and then jumping in them) "I'm just working at the factory."

Daddy: "Oh, what kind of factory?"

Bean: "I'm making chocolate. First you take animal poop, then that gets turned into sand. Then the sand gets turned into people and you make the people into chocolate."

Daddy: "Oh, wow. "

Bean: "Daddy, that is how you make chocolate. Didn't you know."

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Holiday Cheer

Tuesday night. Daddy has just gotten home from work. Like every evening when Daddy comes home, both Bean and Goobs have accompanied him upstairs to help him change out of his suit. Mommy, like every evening, has jumped at the chance to have 15 minutes alone in her basement sewing room/office/batcave.

The neighbors stopped by earlier in the evening to drop of some very lovely, very delicious, very beautiful Christmas cookies. They are sitting on the counter.

From her batcave Mommy can hear Daddy, Bean and Goobs giggling and generally causing a ruckus. Mommy generally doesn't care what is going on upstairs, so long as she doesn't have to come up. Most nights, the entire upstairs is completely trashed after the 15 minutes of "men" time. Again, Mommy doesn't care if it means 15 minutes to herself surrounded by beautiful fabric, sewing machines, yarn and all things that the children aren't allowed access to.

Mommy hears everyone head downstairs to the kitchen.

Daddy: "Ernie! Bad Dog! You ate all our Christmas cookies."

Bean: (Screaming at the top of his lungs in an ear shattering volume) "Ahhhhh. Ernie!"

Goobs: "No! Dog! Cookie!"

And that's all because it was going to take a lot more than Christmas cookies to get Mommy upstairs.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Today Mommy, Daddy, Bean and Goobs all went to Target. Mommy and Goobs shopped for stocking gifts for Daddy and the boys. Daddy and Bean shopped for stocking gifts for Mommy. The met up back up after going through the checkout lines. They are in the car driving home.

Daddy: "We got you some good stuff Mommy. I think you'll like it. Right Bean?"

Bean is silent. Thinking.

Mommy: "I kind of got distracted shopping for the boys. I think I only got two little things for your stocking. Hopefully Santa will bring you something."

Bean: "Mommy!" (He seems as if he is going to say something, then he stops talking suddenly, as if he is trying to hold something back. Mommy and Daddy wonder what he was going to say, but they go back to thier conversation.)

Mommy: "Well, Santa is ususally pretty kind to you. I think you will make out OK this Christmas."

Bean: (Very quietly Mommy can hear Bean begin to talk. She can't make out what he says until...) "....and we got you some bubble stuff. Oh Mommy, I'm trying to keep it a secret but it keeps wanting to come out."

Bean has been in the back seat like a volcano waiting to errupt. He isn't very good at keeping information to himself, and trying to keep a surprise from Mommy is a near impossible task.

Daddy: "Don't tell her more. We want to her be surprised."

Bean: "I'm trying to keep it a secret Daddy. I won't tell her anymore."

Daddy: "OK. Don't say anymore."

Bean: "OK, but Mommy! It smells like Watermelon!"

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

A Taste of Monday

Monday morning. Everyone slept until 7:30 am. Mommy actually felt well rested this morning and as she sat at the breakfast table with her quiet, content, breakfast eating boys, she thought that she might actually have weathered the crazy storm and things might possibly be quieting down for this family and settling in.

Maybe not.

Here is a taste of Monday.

Mommy is in the kitchen making lunch. Bean is upstairs playing in his room. Mommy goes to the bottom of the stairs to call Bean for lunch.

Mommy: "Bean, lunch is ready. Come on down."

Bean: (Sounding a bit surprised) "OK, Mommy. I'm coming."

Mommy: (Knowing that surprise in Beans voice means he is up to something) "What's going on up there? Do I need to come up?"

Bean: "No Mommy. I'm coming. Don't come up."

Mommy: (She starts up the stairs because, really, when a three year old tells you not to come upstairs you most definitely should go upstairs) "What did you do? Why shouldn't I come up?"

Bean: (Looking sheepish and very guilty) "I don't want to tell you Mommy."

Mommy: "Remember how we talked about this? You can always tell me anything. Tell me what you did."

Bean: "It's a long story."

Mommy: "Why don't you give me the shortened version."

Bean: "I was painting the walls with the swiffer. I was painter Bean. I knocked down your pictures."

Mommy goes into her room and sees the two painting laying on the floor. No harm done really.

Mommy: "That's wasn't a very long story. There, I hung them back up. Accidents happen. Probably shouldn't do that again kay."

Mommy: (Thinking to herself) "I'm a great Mom. Not getting mad at Bean. Being understanding and letting him know that he can always tell me anything. Great Job Mommy."

Now it is rest time. Mommy has promised that when Sid the Science Kid is over, Bean can go and paint. Mommy has closed her eyes on the couch. She awakes to Bean talking to her.

Bean: "Sid is over Mommy. Can I paint now."

Mommy: "Sure. Let's go."

Bean: (Grabs his nose) "Something is stinky Mommy."

Mommy: (Still a little groggy from just opening her eyes, it takes her a second to realize that Bean is talking about HIMSELF!) "What? Who is stinky? Are you stinky?"

Bean: (With a very guilty look on his face he nods his head. Still holding his nose he looks down at the new living room carpet and points) "There is something on the floor Mommy."

Mommy: (Not exactly how she wanted to start the afternoon. Bean has been having #2 accidents lately, which Mommy is finding extremely disgusting) "What! Is your toot toot on the floor?"

Mommy runs over. She sees the turd that has fallen out of Beans pants (sorry readers, I know it is gross, but if Mommy has to suffer then so do you). She grabs Bean, takes him to the bathroom and puts him on the toilet. Then she goes to get paper towels.

Mommy: (Thinking to herself, again) "What am I doing wrong? What is going on? Don't get mad at him. Gross. Poop is gross. Ugh."

Somewhere in the middle of all of this, Ernie managed to get a sippy cup of milk off of the table and he did this to it:

Note the dog blood on the top. That same blood was all over the house from the gaping gash he gave himself from the razor sharp plastic he created from this sippy cup. After 15 minutes the bleeding stopped (Just in case you were worried. Mommy wasn't.)

Now it's afternoon. Bean is playing in the family room. Goobs is playing in the living room. Goobs comes into the kitchen.

Goobs: (Standing at Mommy's legs while she is trying to do dishes) "Mama. Up. Mama Button."

Mommy: (Grabs Goobs and is carrying him around while she puts dishes way) "Ok, come on."

Mommy then proceeds to knock Goobs on the head 4 times, 4 TIMES!, with cupboard doors, refrigerator doors, hanging pots and pans and one solid bonk with a spatula, all of which cause Goobs to do his super dramatic, i'msohurtyoushouldbemorecareful cry.

Mommy: (Thinking to herself, yet again) "What the heck! Crappy Mommy. Get youself together. What is your deal? You have to keep this kids alive Allison. "

Then it is time for dinner. Mommy is cooking. She goes out to the family room to check on Bean. He is in the bathroom. He has unrolled the entire roll of toilet paper.  At this point, it is 5:00 and she has just about given up for the day. Goobs is crying because he fell down yet again and wants to be held, not to mention he now has a stinky diaper which means more poop to clean up and there is toilet paper all over the floor. Mommy looks closer and half of the toilet paper is wet.

Mommy: (Sighs and in a resigned voice that seems to imply that she has finally come to terms with her crap infested, wet, soggy toilet papered life she says ) "What is going on? Why is there toilet paper everywhere?"

Bean: "Well Mommy, you see, I was wiping up the water. Then I needed a telescope...."

Mommy: (She shuts the bathroom door and leaves it, wet mess and all) "Whatever. Come on. Dinner is ready."

Mommy: (Thinking to herself) "......."

She's just too tired to think anything. Good, bad, doesn't matter. Just get some dinner in them and bed time is just around the corner.

And that was just Monday.

But, you know what? This is what Goobs looked like all day wearing his new romper.

Yeah. Yum!

And despite Bean's wall painting, floor pooping, telescoping, long story ways, he told Mommy at least 10 times today that he loved her and that she was a good Mommy.

After everyone was in bed Mommy had a chance to think to herself again. She figured it was mostly worth it. Then she told Daddy about the toilet paper in the bathroom and he cleaned it up.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


It's Monday morning and Mommy is getting Bean dressed for school.

Mommy: "Before we go to school we need to comb that hair. It is a little out of control today."

Bean: (Thinks for a moment then nods his head) "My hairs must be up to something."

Mommy: "What? What does that mean?"

Bean: "My hair isn't doing what it is supposed to do. So, it must be up to something."

Mommy: "I'll tell you what it's up to. It's up to being very messy and we need to comb it."

Bean: "Do you know how I knew my hair was up to something Mommy?"

Mommy: "How? How did you know your hair was up to something?"

Bean: "Because I used my thinking face. When I use my thinking face I know things."

Mommy: "Well, it is a good thing you have your thinking face. Otherwise you wouldn't know anything. Can I take a picture of your thinking face?"

Bean: "Not right now, I don't have anything I need to know now."

Mommy: "Oh, OK. Well, let me know when you are going to think about something."

Bean: "OK Mommy. I'll let 'cha know."

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


It's been a long few weeks. Mommy has had to go into work two weekends in a row, Goobs has been sick, Mommy has been sick, then Bean was sick, and now Daddy is sick and Goobs is sick again.

This afternoon Mommy decided to take Goobs to the doctor because he has been running a temp for a few days and was cranky enough that Mommy suspected an ear infection. No ear infection. No medicine. Just a virus that has to work its self out. Sigh. Mommy is feeling particularly tired this afternoon.

As Mommy walks in the door she immediately smells turkey. During the Thanksgiving holiday, Mommy cooked a turkey for a community dinner her work was hosting. Mommom thought it would be a good idea to save the drippings from the turkey and they were stored in Mommy's refrigerator. Since Thanksgiving is over and the space in Mommy's refrigerator is prime real estate in their house, Mommy put the large container of turkey drippings in the sink to clean up later. She forgot to do something with them before she left for the doctor, so Ernie was kind enough to do something with them while they were out. Hence the strong turkey odor upon entering the kitchen.

Mommy has managed to clean up the turkey mess in the kitchen that Ernie made when she suddenly realizes how quiet it is. She quickly looks in the family room and neither Bean or Goobs is in there. She calls out.

Mommy: "Bean? What are you doing? Where are you?"

Bean: (Shouts out from the living room) "I'm busy inventing something Mommy."

That can't be good.

Mommy goes into the living room. Bean has gotten into her yarn. Mommy's little genius invented a pulley system that unwinds balls of yarn at super sonic speed. All Mommy sees is a pile of yarn.

Mommy: (At this point Mommy is just exhausted and doesn't really care about the yarn. It wasn't her good stuff. She is just plain old too tired to care.) "Uh, what kind of invention is that?"

Bean: "It's my pully invention. See i just hook the yarn here then pull here and look!"

Mommy: "Great. That's great. Now, can you invent something that will wind it back up?"

Bean: "No Mommy. My brain is tired now. You can roll it back up."

Mommy: "Lucky me."

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Gun and War

It's Saturday and Mommy is out for the afternoon to finish up some things for work. Daddy is home with Bean and Goobs. Mommy left them right after she put Goobs down for his nap at 1:00 and she is now returning home around 5:00.

Daddy: (As soon as Mommy walks in the door, Daddy calls Bean) "Bean! Mommy's home. Go show her what you made."

Bean comes running into the kitchen with Goobs's popper toy that now has a wrapping paper cardboard tube taped to it.

Mommy: "What is that thing that you made?"

Bean: "It's my gun Mommy."

Daddy looks at Mommy and makes the 'it was inevitable' face. Mommy has worked really hard to make sure that Bean, who is only three, isn't exposed to violence. She isn't a mom who never lets her kids watch TV or anything, it's just that she is very careful about what they watch. They don't have cable television and mostly Bean watches PBS shows that are educational and fairly harmless. She has no idea where this gun talk is coming from.

Mommy knew that when he started preschool, he would more than likely be exposed to the idea of guns and bad guys and hurting people. She knew this day was coming. She just didn't prepare for it.

Daddy: "Honestly, he came up with this all on his own. I came into the family room and he had the popper and the cardboard tube and was taping it together himself and told me he needed to make a gun for the bad guys. I helped him a little, but it was his idea."

Mommy: "I know. It's ok. I knew it would happen sometime. That is what I have heard about boys. No matter how hard you try, they play guns."

Daddy: "I always played guns when I was little. My parents just told me that I couldn't shoot people. I was only allowed to shoot Bears."

Mommy: "Um, Bears? I don't want him shooting Bears."

Daddy: "Ok, well, we weren't as animally PC as we are now, so I told him that he can only shoot targets and bad machines."

Bean: "Yeah Mommy, only targets and bad machines. No people or animals."

Mommy: (Sighs. Resigning herself once again to the fact that she is surrounded by boys) "OK, well, just remember, no shooting people. That isn't nice."

Bean: "But Mommy, Army men shoot people. How come they can shoot people?"

Mommy looks at Daddy and hopes that he has some way of explaining war to a three year old. They both stand there looking at each other. Completely silent. Neither one knows what to say and is hoping that the other says something first. They are at a standstill. Who will break first? Mommy suspects this is what the sex talk might be like. She figures that maybe if she takes the war talk, Daddy will do the sex one when the times comes.

Mommy: "Well, they don't want to shoot people but sometimes they have to." 

Bean: "Why Mommy."

Mommy looks at Daddy again. She has just walked in from a long few hours at work and she was not prepared for this. She looks at Daddy and he gives her a look that let's her know she is in this one alone.

(In her most chipper and enthusiastic voice) "Who wants dinner? How about we all go to Wegman's for dinner!"

Bean: "I do. Yeah! Can I get Indian chicken? "

And that is how Mommy put off explaining war. Let's hope Wegman's for dinner continues for work for 15 or so more years.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Skunk

It is Sunday morning. Everyone is getting ready for church. Mommy has showered and dressed and she is looking for Bean so she can get him dressed. In the middle of the floor of her bedroom is the suitcase that still hasn't made it back up to the attic after their weekend trip 4 weeks ago. It is unzipped, but closed. Bean pops out of the suitcase

Bean: "Shhh. You better get away from me or I will spray you."

Mommy: "What are you talking about. What? Do you have a hose or something? Come on, let's go get dressed for church."

Bean: "Get away from my home, or I will spray you. I am a skunk."

Bean then bends over, points his little bottom at Mommy and makes a spraying sound.

Mommy: "Hmm, well Mr. Skunk. Looks like you got me. No spraying people when we get to chuch, got it."

Bean: "I will be a friendly skunk at church Mommy. I am only a wild skunk when I am at home."

Does this mean that Mommy has successfully taught him to be polite in public?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Performance

It's bed time. Mommy has just put Goobs down and she goes into Beans room to read him his stories. Daddy has bathed and jammied Bean. Mommy takes three books from the library pile and settles in on Beans bed ready for stories. Bean jumps off the bed and grabs one of his rhyming fire truck books.

Bean: (Jumping back on the bed and handing the book to Mommy) "Here Mommy, sing this book."

Mommy: (A little surprised. Bean has only recently started singing. He has always been a serious child and it wasn't until he started preschool that Mommy could get him to sing anything, let alone request a song.) "What? You want me to sing the book? OK"

Mommy opens the book and turns to the first page. Bean grabs the book out of Mommy's hand.

Bean: (Sighing at Mommy as if she should know what she is doing here but she is getting it all wrong. In case you can't tell, Bean is rather particular about things.) "Mommy! You are supposed to clap first, like this."

Bean gives two quick claps. Then he hands the book back to Mommy.

Mommy: "Like this?" (Mommy mimicks how Bean just clapped)

Bean: "Yes. That's right. Now sing."

Mommy: "How about a please."

Bean: (Slightly annoyed that Mommy doesn't seem to be doing this correctly) "Please sing Mommy."

And Mommy does. She sings the whole book. Mommy has had some voice training. She did her best opera  voice, including a big finish with spirit fingers and all. Bean doesn't look at the book once. He spends the whole time staring at Mommy with a goofy grin on his face. He seems to be amazed that his mother could be making such a noise.

Mommy: (Finishes up the song, take a deep breath) "Like that? Did I do it right."

Bean: "It was ok. We can try again tomorrow." (Bean hand Mommy another book) "You can just read this one regular Mommy."

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Cozy and the Throwup

Bean had been complaining all afternoon of a stomach ache. Mommy figured that he was hungry and wasn't too concerned. At 1:00 am on Wednesday morning, Mommy realized that Bean was not hungry but that he did in fact have a stomach flu. Mommy knew this because she was standing in the bathroom looking at a pile of very smelly throwup and looking at a very sick, pathetic, puny, sad Bean.

Mommy: "Oh Pumpkin. You're sick. Come on, let's get you out of those yucky pajamas. I'll clean this up. You can come get in bed with me.

Bean: "Mommy, I think that some toot toots must have gotten stuck in one of my pipes and that is why I threw up."

Mommy: (Bean is convinced that his internal organs are really just a series of pipes and drains) "Maybe sweetie. Come on, let's get those jammies off."

Mommy cleans up the bathroom. Daddy helps Bean get some new pajamas on. Daddy goes to get Cozy Blanket from Bean's room and realizes that it has throw up on it as well. Daddy makes an attempt to clean it off with a baby wipe but that doesn't exactly work. Cozy still smells raunchy. Mommy has to break the news to Bean that Cozy has to be washed.

Mommy: "Bean, Cozy got some sick on him. I need to go put him in the wash. You can sleep with me and you can have your fuzzy hat to sleep with."

Bean: (Still puny, so pathetic and completely heartbreaking, he starts to cry.) "Mommy, I love Cozy. I can't sleep without Cozy. Mommy I will miss Cozy."

The crying continues and Mommy realizes she has a decision to make. Put Cozy in the wash and spend the hours of 1am to 3 am consoling her sick, puking, pathetic child, risking waking up the other child and preventing the entire family from getting any sleep, or let the sick child sleep in her bed (while Daddy gets to sleep in the other room) with a very smelly, stinky, throwup blanket. The decision was pretty clear and Mommy wasn't thrilled about it one bit. Once again, Mommy would take one for the team so that everyone could sleep.

Mommy: "Ok, hop in bed. We will wash Cozy in the morning. Just try and keep Cozy on your side so I don't have to smell him."

Bean: (In a fever haze, half awake and still, so pathetic) "I love you Mommy."

So Mommy climbs into bed with Bean, happy that everyone is going to get some sleep. As she drifts off to sleep she continues to get wafts of the stagnant Cozy Blanket and all his throwup glory. Being a Mom is just plain gross  sometimes.

Honestly, what would you have done?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Bean has just returned home from an overnight at Mommom and Poppop's house. He is sitting down to lunch with Mommy, Daddy, and Goobs.

Mommy: How was your overnight? Did you have fun with Mommom and Poppop?

Bean: "Yes. But Mommy you need to start putting an undershirt on me."

Mommy: (No idea where this is coming from. The weather is getting cooler, but it hasn't snowed yet and they keep the house at a perfectly comfortable 68 degrees. Bean has never complained about being cold before.) "What? Why do you need an undershirt? You have a long sleeve shirt on. Are you cold?"

Bean: "No. Not now. But that is what Mommom says. She says you need to put an undershirt on me. Mommom say I am always cold because you never put enough clothes on me."

Daddy snickers from his seat and looks at Mommy with a "Hey, I'm staying out of is your family" sort of look.

Mommy: (Loves the fact that Bean tells her everything that goes on everywhere he goes without her, but makes a mental note that Bean tells people everything that goes on when he is not with her and she needs to really make sure she watches what she says) "Oh really. Is that what Mommom says? What else does Mommom say?"

Bean: "Nothing. Just that you don't put enough clothes on me and that I need to tell you to put an undershirt on me."

Mommy looks at Daddy, who is still avoiding eye contact.

Bean: "Mommy, what's an undershirt? Do I have any?"

Mommy: "We could probably find something. Mommom and Poppop are just old and they get cold easily. So, sometimes they think that everyone else is cold as well."

Bean: "Maybe they should put an undershirt on the Mommy."

Mommy: "Maybe they should Bean."

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Meet Bean the Farmer

and his cow Goobs

Saturday, October 23, 2010

The Children

On Thursday, there were some guests for lunch. Bean refers to them as "The Children". Mommy learned that their names are Jerry, Mark and Boojada. Bean was showing them around the fire hall before lunch. While Bean is eating his lunch at the dining room table, "The Children" are having honey toast and oranges on the couch.

Bean: "Mommy, "The Children" want me to finish showing them around after lunch."

Mommy: "OK, finish up, then you and "The Children" can finish the firehouse tour."

Bean: "I am going to show them where we firefighters sleep and eat. Then I will show them where we watch TV. Then I will introduce them to Scott The Fire Dog."

Mommy: (Half paying attention. Really, she just wants Bean to finish up lunch so they can get to rest time already) "Fine, just finish your lunch."

Bean: (Stands on his chairs and cups his hands around his mouth, yelling into the living room, where "The Children" are still sitting on the couch) "I'll be with you in a minute guys. Jerry, stop pushing Mark. Just be patient. I will be there in a minute."

Mommy recognizes the tone in Bean's voice. It sounds an awful lot like Mommy's when she is telling Bean to keep his hands off of Goobs.

The idea of "The Children" feels a little creepy to Mommy - this group of three children that silently move around her house. Mommy glances over her shoulder to catch a glimpse of the couch. She know that it is empty and that "The Children" are just a part of Bean's very active imagination, but she can't help herself. She just had to see for herself if Jerry is really as naughty a Bean's says he is.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Bean the Teacher

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are at the table. Bean and Goobs are having their dinner.

Bean: "What are we doing tomorrow Mommy?"

Mommy: "Tomorrow is swimming.I think your regular teacher is out of town so you are going to have a substitute."

Bean: "What does substitute mean Mommy?"

Mommy: "A substitute is when you replace something with something else to do the same job. Like if I didn't have buttermilk for a recipe, I could substitute it with milk and a little lemon juice. Your teacher is going to be out, so they are substituting her with someone else."

Bean continues to eat his dinner. Mommy can see he is thinking.

Bean: (Looks at Mommy an smirks. He is dying to use his new word, but he wants to play a little game with Mommy.) "Mommy, if Daddy needed to fix the glass on his car and he didn't have more glass he could use plastic instead."

Mommy: (Pleased as punch that her little three year old just got the concept she was explaining. She  knows he is playing a game with her) "So you could substitute it, huh."

Bean: (Coily looks at Mommy and nods his head as if he has just taught her something.) "Yes I could substitute it Mommy. Very good."

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Cozy Blanket

Today was a sunny, cool, perfect fall day. Rest time went well for everyone. Goobs slept for 2 1/2 hours, Bean rested quietly on the couch while Mommy was actually able to get a nap in herself. The day was progressing so smoothly that Mommy decided to pack the boys into the stroller and take them for a little walk and get herself some exercise. She promised the boys that if they were good on the walk she would swing by the playground on the route home.

So, she took Bean and his Cozy Blanket and Goobs and his Bear and put everyone in the stroller. All packed up and ready to go.

Halfway through the walk, Bean tells Mommy that they forgot cozy blanket. Mommy was blissfully unaware of Bean's comment and didn't really register what he was saying because she was too busy congratulating herself on getting out for a walk.

They swing by the park on the way home, have a wonderful time playing together and then head home so Mommy can start dinner.

Bean is in the living room watching his little show while Goobs and Mommy are in the kitchen cooking dinner. Mommy is standing over the ground beef that is halfway cooked in the frying pan, when she remembers the comment that Bean made to her on their walk. The memory of what she heard sends chills down her spine and a panic sets in.

"Mommy, we forgot Cozy."

Suddenly she realizes what this means. She turns off the meat and starts running around the house, frantically looking for Cozy Blanket. She is trying to do this on the sly because she doesn't want to alarm Bean. She runs outside to see if perhaps Cozy was left in the garage but Mommy can't find Cozy anywhere. She stops. She thinks back to packing the boys up in the stroller. She remembers herself tucking Cozy Blanket in next to Bean in the stroller.

Mommy runs into the living room

Mommy: "Bean, have you seen Cozy? Do you know where Cozy is?"

Bean: (Absorbed in his show, he looks up) "No Mommy. I don't know where Cozy is."

Mommy: "Was he in the stroller with you when we went for a walk. Did you drop him somewhere?"

Bean: (Panic sets in on his face, he realizes what Mommy is getting at and he doesn't like it one bit) "Yes Mommy. We had him, but he wasn't at the park with us."

Mommy: "Did you drop him somewhere Bean?"

Bean: (More panicked now, he is getting a very, very sad look on his face) "He wasn't at the park with us Mommy."

 Mommy is picturing Cozy Blanket, alone, cold and forgotten on the street. Her heart is breaking. He is a member of the family. Everyone loves Cozy Blanket. Mommy knitted Cozy Blanket for Bean before he was born - before Mommy even knew if Bean was a Bean or a Beanette. It was Mommy's first attempt at knitting and it is actually pretty ugly, but Bean has loved it since he was 6 months old and they are inseparable. Cozy has been there for everything. Mommy fully expected to have it tucked in her purse during Bean's high school graduation, college graduation, and even his wedding. Oh Cozy! Where are you!

Mommy: (Trying not to panic and trying really, really hard not to let on how worried she is) "Come with me right now, we are going to look for Cozy."

Bean: (Starting to cry.) "Mommy I miss Cozy. Mommy I feel sad."

Mommy: "Come on, we are going to find him."

Mommy grabs Goobs who still has no pants on from the last diaper change and tells Bean to get in the van right now, even though he has no shoes on. There isn't a moment to spare. She leaves the half cooked hamburger on the stove and grabs her keys. She quickly buckles everyone in the car seats and takes off.

Mommy: "Bean, try and remember where you dropped him. Did you drop him on the road somewhere. It is really important that you remember."

Bean: (Absolutely no help at all, he is really starting to understand that Cozy is in fact lost)  "Oh Mommy. I love Cozy so much. I miss Cozy already. Mommy I feel sad."

Mommy is thrilled that Bean is able to express his emotions so well, but right now, she is on the brink of tears herself and she isn't sure it she can handle Beans emotional honesty.

Mommy: "I know you love him Bean. We all love Cozy Blanket. We will find him. I hope we find him."

Bean: "Mommy, where is Cozy?"

Mommy: (Really not liking having to be Mommy right now, she considers calling her own parents to help in the search. No! She can do this. She is Mommy!)  "I'm working on it Bean. We're going to find him."

Mommy continues to race around the neighborhood, retracing their steps. She gets to the dead end where there is a foot path that connects to their street. She turns the car around and as she does, she sees him. Cozy Blanket. Hanging on a fence buy the road, obviously placed there by someone who walked by, saw him and knew that someone would be back looking for him. Mommy lets out a little yelp, throws the car into park in the middle of the road and jumps out of the car.

Mommy: (She grabs Cozy Blanket off of the fence and hugs him. She smells him. Then she hold him up over her head in triumph) "Thank you God! Thank you for having mercy on this poor, exhausted mother. "

Mommy throws open the van door and reunites Bean with his Cozy Blanket. Bean hugs Cozy.


Mommy: "You are one lucky little boy Bean. I wasn't sure we were going to find him. No more taking Cozy out in the stroller with us. He stays in the car or in the house from now on, got it."

Bean: "Yes Mommy. I would be so sad if I lost Cozy. We will just take him for walks in the car."

Mommy: (Not really sure what that means, but whatever. They found Cozy) "Holy Cow. Crisis averted. Man. That was a close one. Can't replace Cozy. He is a one of a kind. An original."

Bean: "Just like me Mommy."

Mommy: "Yes, just like you. There is no replacing you or Cozy. So don't get lost. And don't lose Cozy again, OK. "

Bean: "OK Mommy. Thank you for finding Cozy."

Goobs: (Reaching for Cozy himself) "Cooeeee! Cooeeee!"

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Monkey Feet

Last fall Mommy bought a pair of sock money slippers for herself from Target. She thought they were cute and they might give Bean a laugh. On her first morning with them she put them on and wore them downstairs. Bean saw them. He didn't say anything, but Mommy could tell by the way he glared at them that Bean was less than thrilled about these new additions. That night she left them in his room after taking them off to lay on the bed and read stories to him. The next morning she went to put them on and she couldn't find them. Later in the day she found them down the laundry shoot.

It continued this way for a while, Mommy wearing her slippers in the morning and then finding them in the laundry shoot later on in the day. She never said anything, figuring that whatever was bothering Bean about the slippers would figure itself out. After a month of this down the laundry shoot game, Mommy finally retired the slippers to the closet and figured she might bring them out again sometime.

This past Monday morning was the first morning of fall that was chilly enough to warrent slippers. Mommy rummaged around in her closet and the choices were limited. Then she saw the practically new, shiny, clean monkey slippers she had forgotten all about. She vaguely remember the issue with them last year and decided that after an entire year, Bean would certainly be over whatever it was that bothered him about the moneky slippers in the first place. So Mommy put them on and went downstairs to greet her family.

Bean: (He is laying on the couch with cozy blanket.) "Morning Mommy."

Mommy: "Morning Bean"

Bean glances at Mommy as she is coming down the stairs. He sits up with a start. He stares at Mommy's feet and his expression appears as if he is a 30 year old man who has just come face to face with the bully from school who used to give him wet willies and wedgies.

Bean: "Why are you wearing those Mommy?"

Mommy: "My feet were cold. I needed some slippers."

Bean: "But Mommy, one time when I was two you left them in my room and they made noise."

Mommy: "They don't make any noise honey. They are just slippers. Don't they have funny faces on them."

Bean just scowls at Mommy and the monkeys on her feet.

Mommy heads downstairs with the monkey slippers to iron a shirt for Daddy to wear to work. Daddy sits on the couch with Bean.

Daddy: (Unlike Mommy, Daddy understands these odd  neuroses that Bean has, because he has them himself.) "Are you a little worried about those slippers? You don't need to be."

Bean: "Daddy, one time Mommy left them in my room and they made noises at me."

Daddy: "Well what did the noise sound like. Was it a monkey sound."

Bean: "No Daddy. They didn't sound like Monkey's. They sounded like this:"

And, from the debths of his bowls, Bean lets out a low, deep, loud gutteral sound that frightens Daddy a little. Mommy comes up from the basement when she hears what sounds like the houds from hell enter her living room.

Mommy: (Startled and a bit alarmed) "What was that noise?"

Daddy: "That was Bean. Apparently that is the sound the monkey slippers made at him one night when he was two."

Daddy: "Maybe you just dreamed that the monkey's made that sound. They don't really make noise Bean."

Bean: (Not at all convinced) "Maybe Daddy. Maybe it was just a dream."

Mommy, Daddy and Bean all glance down at the slippers on Mommy's feet. The slippers are starting to look slightly sinister and admittedly a little creepy so Mommy takes off the slippers and throws them down the laundry shoot.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Identity crisis

Mommy has always suffered from an identity crisis of sorts. She was, and still is, the younger sister to Rachel. Rachel the straight A student. Rachel the daughter that never got into trouble (or a least never got caught). Rachel the one voted most likely to succeed in her high school class. (Mommy was voted biggest feet by the way, no joke.) Rachel the perfect. Perfectly lovely, perfectly smart, perfectly perfect.

Mommy spent her childhood years hearing things like "Oh, you're Rachel's sister, aren't you?" or "Isn't Rachel your older sister?" or "What was your name again? I know your sister Rachel, but I can't remember your name."

Eventually Mommy got used to it and by the time she was 25 or so, it didn't bother her anymore. She has become accustomed to it.

But now Mommy is 35 and all grown up. Now Mommy is a real adult and not just someone's younger sister. Mommy is making a name for herself out in the world. People will no longer know her as 'Rachel's sister'. Mommy envisions people walking up to her in the store or at the gas station and saying "Oh, Allison, I've heard so much about you." Mommy isn't sure yet what exactly people are going to know her for, but that is a mere formality. Now that she is out from under her sister's shadow, the sky's the limit.

Mommy is waiting outside preschool to pick up Bean. She is waiting with Goobs. Another mother comes up and begins talking to Goobs and then to Mommy.

Mother: "Well Hi there. You have the cutest little face don't you?"

Goobs: (Nodding his head up and down as he does when anyone asks him a question) "Yeah"

Mother: (Laughs and turns to Mommy) "Are these your only two? This one and the one inside? Which class is yours in?

Mommy: "Bean is in the 3's class."

The mother stops and looks at Mommy. A wave of recognition comes across her face.

Mother: Wait! Do you guys go to Browncroft Church? Bean! I know him. He is the three year old who talks like he is in fourth grade. Oh we all know him. He's great. Everyone knows him in the children's ministry."

Mommy and Daddy have just recently switched to Browncroft to go to a church a little closer to home. They have been attending for about a month. Already everyone knows who Bean is because he can talk the hind leg off a mule.

Mother: "Oh, so you must be Bean's Mom."

And just like that Mommy is no longer Rachel's sister. Guess she will now be known as Bean's Mom. Not exactly what she had in mind.

Bean's Mommy and her older sister Rachel.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Oh Mommy

It is Wednesday night. The evening of the Student of the Day fiasco. Mommy is in the basement. She has been down there for quite a while and Daddy comes to check on her. She is crying.

Daddy: (A little alarmed that she is down in the basement crying alone) "What's wrong! Why are you crying?"

Mommy: (She looks at Daddy and that just makes her cry a little more) "I can't believe I totally screwed up on Bean's first time as Student of the Day. I just feel so bad. This was it. My first shot at being a good Mommy for Bean as he is out in the world and I completely and totally messed it up. I know it isn't the end of the world or anything, but it was a really big deal to me. This is my job. This is what I am supposed to do. I am going to get a really, really bad performance review this year and I don't deserve a raise."

Mommy is now mostly feeling bad that she got caught being so upset about this whole student of the day ridiculousness.

Daddy: (He is a little unsure how to handle this. His wife is usually a stiff upper lip sort of woman, but these children are turning her into a big blubbering mess) "Honey, I know you are sad but he probably won't even remember."

Mommy and Daddy look at each other and they both know that Daddy is being far too optimistic. Of course Bean will remember. He remembers everything. He was 18 months old when they took him to swimming lessons at the school down the street and he still talks about how cold the water was every time they pass it. He remembers the toy that he got when he went to the dentist with Mommom when he was 22 months. They both know perfectly well that this is something he will remember and remember and remember. Daddy is starting to look a little sad now.

Mommy: "Why are you looking sad? You just said it was going to be OK."

Daddy: "I know but, well, it is kinda sad. He was so excited about it."

Mommy starts to cry again.

Mommy: "I can just hear my parents now. My Mom is saying 'that's why you need to write things down' and my Dad is saying 'got to organize'. I totally pulled an Alli on this and I feel awful. It's just like that time I wrote down the wrong information about the SAT location and went to the wrong place to take the test. No wonder I never feel like a grown up. Seriously, why did anyone even let me have children in the first place. I'm not responsible enough. I can't even remember where I'm supposed to go to take the SAT's."

Daddy is getting a little worried. Mommy is starting to sound slightly irrational at this point. Plus, he knows that when Mommy starts talking about hearing her parents voices in her head, it is a good time to run the other way.

Daddy: "Look, he was happy. He got to use the special pointer. He doesn't even really get that you forgot."

Again they look at each other, knowing this is not true. Bean gets that Mommy forgot and they both know that a year from now, when they think the whole thing is forgotten, he is going to mention and put Mommy in a tailspin all over again.

Mommy: "This is it. This is the moment. I can see him 30 years from now, sitting in the therapist's chair, remembering this as the moment he realized his mother was a disaster."

Daddy: "It's good for him. He needs to learn that the world isn't a perfect place."

Mommy: "Yes, but he is supposed to learn that from someone at school or a mean teacher or something. Not from his own mother." (More crying ensues.)

Daddy: "Well, there is nothing to do. He got to use the special pointer. That's really all he cared about anyway. And he had Cozy to show and tell everyone. So really it turned out OK."

Mommy: (Trying to rally herself because it is close to bedtime and she doesn't want puffy eyes in the morning) "Yeah, he was really excited about the pointer. He was smiling about it all morning."

Daddy: "See, he will be fine. I think. And look on the bright side, maybe by the time this comes up in therapy we will both be dead."

Mommy: "That's true. Maybe he won't remember this until I'm dead. Oddly enough, that makes me feel a little better."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Mommy the Failure

Today was Beans third week of preschool. Mommy was a little worried that the whole things was going to explode in her face. The year started off with her completely forgetting to attend the "Meet the Teacher" night at preschool. She didn't realize she had missed it until the weekend before school started. Upon realizing her mistake, she quickly emailed the teacher, who kindly assured her that it was no big deal and everything was fine. Mommy was much relieved and has been encouraged at how well Bean has been doing with his new routine. Monday drop off was a little rough for Bean, so today he decided to bring cozy blanket with him as an added security.

Mommy dropped Bean off at school, gave him some kisses and hugs and sent him on his way. Bean seemed happy and excited to be in school. Mommy is feeling like perhaps she has things together. This morning went particularly well. After the "Meet the Teacher" debacle, Mommy got herself a calendar and hung it up in the kitchen where she would see it and not be able to forget anything. She was organized Mommy. Together Mommy. Ready for anything the world wants to throw at her Mommy. She was feeling very proud of herself this morning. This should have probably been her first hint.

Mommy arrives to pick up Bean from school. All the parents are waiting outside while the teacher brings them out two at a time. Bean is the first to come out.

Mommy: "Hi Sweetie, how was your day!"

Bean: "Mommy, my backpack is very heavy."

Mommy takes Beans backpack off as as she does she notices that the teacher is still standing there. Mommy looks up at the teacher.

Mrs S.: (She pauses, takes a deep breath and lowers her eyes as if she is going to deliver some bad news) "So Bean was Student of the Day today. Did you forget?"

Each kid gets to be student of the day a few times during the year. When they are student of the day, they get to use the special pointer to help the teacher, bring in one of their favorite things for show and tell and bring a snack in for the class. Bean has been very excited about being student of the day. He has been trying to figure out what he will bring in to show everyone when it is his turn.

Mommy: (Scanning her brain for some forgotten piece of information. She can't find any recollection of this. How has she forgotten it completely? It's just not there. She didn't forget, she didn't know. No one told her.) "What! Today! Wait. I didn't know. I didn't forget. How would I know that he was student of the day?"

Mrs S.: "It was on the September calendar that I handed out at the Meet The Teacher night." (She pauses. and remembers that Mommy wasn't there. Kinda has a little look like, oh you poor, poor woman) "Oh. That's right. You were the only one who wasn't there."

Picture a knife. Now picture it going right through Mommy's poor, disorganized heart. The only one. The only parent who obviously doesn't love her child enough to remember one freaking date. The only one who couldn't hang a calendar on the wall and mark important dates before she actually forgot them. The only one that forgot the healthy snack. The only one who is now going to cry, right there, in front of everyone because she has now understands that this will not be the only time she completely and utterly lets her child down. What a failure is this Mommy. She thinks about Bean spending hour after hour talking about which favorite things he will bring in to show the kids. She thinks about him asking Mommy if he can bring in grapes when he is student of the day. Tears are welling up in her eyes.

Mommy: "Oh man. I feel awful. I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

Mrs S.: "Well, luckily he had cozy blanket with him so he showed that to everyone. And we had some extra snacks."

Mommy: "Will he get to be student of the day again? Was this his only chance?"

Mrs. S.: "He will have lots of chances. Don't worry. It's not a big deal. He was happy to get to use the pointer and he loved showing everyone cozy blanket."

Mommy: "OK. Well, I'm sorry. I have the October calendar posted on the fridge. I won't forget next time."

The teacher pats Mommy on the shoulder and heads inside to finish up dismissing the class. Bean looks up at Mommy. He has a huge smile on his face. If only he knew how badly Mommy screwed up.

Mommy: "Bean, I'm sorry I forgot. I goofed. I won't forget next time I promise."

Bean: (Still smiling ear to ear) "Mommy I got to use the special pointer and we got to have Teddy Grahams and Goldfish for snack.

Mommy: (She had such plans for her first sent in snack. Homemade oatmeal cookies, grapes, juice. Better than stale Goldfish, Teddy Grahams and paper cups of water) "That sounds pretty great. It's a good thing you brought cozy today. You got to show everyone."

Bean: "Yeah, it's what I would have brought in anyway."

Mommy: "Well, I'm sorry I forgot. But I am glad you got to use the special pointer."

Bean: "Yes, the pointer was special. I love you anyway Mommy. Even if you are a goof."

And to think, Mommy was worried that her life was starting to quiet down a little and she wasn't going to have much to blog about anymore. Rest assured readers, if Bean or Goobs are having a quiet week, Mommy will certainly screw something up and give you all something to chuckle about.

Have you ever felt like you were a complete failure when it comes to Motherhood? Please share. It just might make me feel better.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Lawn

It is Sunday evening. Mommy had to work on Saturday and the weekend has been a long one. Daddy and Bean have just returned home from the Science Center. Everyone is hungry. Mommy is trying to get dinner ready as fast as possible to keep everyone from completely falling apart. Things are not going as quickly as she would like.

Bean: (whining from the other room) "Mommy! I'm hungry! Is my dinner ready yet?"
Mommy: "Just a few minutes. I'm trying as fast as I can."

Goobs: "Ma Ma. Num Num Num. Ma Ma!"

Daddy: (trying to make himself heard over the whining and complaining) "How come you didn't get it ready while we were gone? I thought you said you would have dinner ready when you got home."

Mommy: (Also trying to make herself heard) "I tried but Goobs wouldn't have anything to do with me putting him down. All he did was stand at my legs and cry. I couldn't really do anything."

Bean: "Mommy! Dinner!"

Daddy: "Once you get them down to dinner, I have to go mow the lawn, OK?"

Mommy hates mowing the lawn and it was something that they agreed would be Daddy's job. Daddy doesn't particularly like mowing the lawn, but he hates it less than Mommy, which is how decisions get made in this house. Whoever hates it less has to do it.

Mommy: "OK, just let me get this ready and get them to the table."

The screaming and whining continues. Mommy finally gets dinner ready and has the boys sit at the table. There is a moment of silence then it begins again.

Bean: "Mommy, I don't like this. I don't want this. I want a hamburger."

Mommy: "Sorry Bean. This is what is for dinner. Eat it or be hungry. I'm not making you something else."

Goobs: "Ma Ma, num num num. Wa Wa." (Then he proceeds to spit out the food that he has in his mouth and throw the rest of it on the floor for the dog to eat.)

Mommy looks at Daddy who is just about to get up to go mow the lawn. She has an idea.

Mommy: " I can go mow the lawn for you."

Daddy: (Silence. He looks at Mommy in disbelief. Has it really gotten this bad? Is she really this frazzled? Has she actually just volunteered to mow the lawn? He isn't sure he wants to give up his 20 minutes of iPod, lawnmower induced solitude) "No, that's OK. I can do it."

Mommy: (Trying to sound diplomatic and like she is really just trying to have an even steven marriage) "No, really, you always have to do it. It's only fair."

At this point Daddy knows that Mommy is playing him. He's not going to fall for it.

Daddy: "No, I don't mind. I know how much you hate it. I can do it."

Mommy: (Sensing that Daddy is on to her little scheme, she figures it is a lost cause. After all, he is the lawyer. No sense in trying to out play him.) "OK, you can do it."

By this point, Goobs has flung all of his food off of his tray and just as Mommy gets up to get him a cheese stick when she steps in a puddle of milk that has formed on the floor from a Goobs-flung sippy cup, soaking her last clean pair of socks. She is feeling surrounded and is in dire need of some fresh air. No more discussion. She is Mommy and if she wants to mow the lawn then she is going to do precisely that.

Mommy: "No, I think I'm going to go mow the lawn. I could use the exercise. See you."

She jumps up before Daddy can protest. As she is leaving the house she can faintly hears Daddy's cries of defeat.

Daddy: " Hey! No fair! You said I could mow the lawn. No take backs!"

Who would have ever thought it would come to this. Certainly not Mommy, that is for sure.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Camera

Mommy's Aunt Carol and Uncle Tom recently came for a visit. During a trip to the zoo with said aunt and uncle, Bean got it in his head that he needed a camera. He spent the better part of the day badgering Mommy to lend him her camera (not a chance) and then tried to talk his great Aunt Carol and Uncle Tom into using theirs. Aunt Carol was patient and tried to teach him how to use it, but being Bean, he insisted that he knew how to do it himself.

About a week after dear Aunt Carol and Uncle Tom left, a package come from addressed to Bean. Mommy knew what it was and she knew who thank/blame.

Mommy wondered if she should just hand the camera over to Bean. Afterall, it was kinda a big gift and he hadn't really done anything for it except annoy the pants off of everyone. But, she figured it was a gift for him from a loving aunt and uncle and who was she to withhold it. So she handed it over.

Then Mommy spent the better part of two hours trying to teach Bean how to use it.

Then Mommy spent the next two hours trying to convince Goobs that he didn't really want it and that it was Bean's camera and he couldn't have it.

It's actually a pretty cool camera and completely indestructible. It makes noises, which makes Goobs happy when he turns it on, and it does in fact take pictures, which makes Bean happy.

Bean said he was going to take pictures of his favorite things. Here are some samples, for your viewing pleasure.

Monday, September 13, 2010

First Day Jitters

Last night Mommy had a dream that Bean was graduating from high school. There he was, in his three year old body with a cap and gown getting a diploma and graduating from high school. Today was the first day of preschool for Bean. Mommy was expecting the day to be filled with drama, tears and much heartache as Bean was left without Mommy for the first time. Mommy asked Daddy to take the morning off so that she could really focus on Bean and make sure he was comfortable with the whole "school" idea before leaving him. The day didn't go exactly as Mommy anticipated.

7:10 am
Bean: Mommy! Wake up. It's time to go to school."
Mommy: "OK, are you excited? Are you happy about going to school?"
Bean: Yes Mommy. Now get up or we will be late."

Mommy is convinced that Bean just thinks he is excited but that when he actually realizes he has to be without Mommy he is sure to cry.

8:00 am
Bean: "Mommy, go get your shower. Hurry. I have to get dressed so I can go to school."

Mommy is pretty sure that he is still going to breakdown as soon as she walks out of his classroom.

9:06 am
Bean: "Mommy! Stop taking pictures. Come on Mommy. I want to go to school."

Mommy is beginning to think that maybe he might do a little better than she expected. A few tears perhaps, but he'll rally once he sees how much fun he will have."

9:10 am
Bean: (Pulling at his car seat buckle trying to get it undone now that the car is parked in the nursery school parking lot) "Mommy! Come unbuckle me. Mommy, let me out.!"

Mommy is wondering if maybe she underestimated how well she prepared Bean for the idea of preschool but she has to stop wondering because she has to catch up with Bean who is actually running through the parking lot towards the school door. Mommy is hoping he doesn't push the other kids out of the way to get to his classroom.

9:12 am
Mommy: (They are standing outside the classroom)  "OK Bean, let's see if we can find your hook. Where is the hook with your name on it.

Bean: (Already hanging his coat and bag on the hook that has his name on it.) "It's right here Mom. Here is my name."

Mommy figures he is ready for school and makes a mental note that he can in fact recognize his name, even though he makes like he can't at home. Then Mommy has to stop making mental notes because once again Bean is off, headed for his classroom which, by the way, he has never been to before.

Bean: (Standing in front of the teacher, whom he has never met) "Hi. I'm Bean and I'm three. I used to be one, then I was two and now I'm three."

Teacher: "Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm glad you are in my class. Can you go find your name tag over there. It will be the one with the...

Bean: (Hands it to her before she can finish her sentence) "Here it is. Here is my name."

The teacher looks at Mommy. Mommy gives her a bashful smile.

Teacher: "Well, it looks like he is going to do just fine."

Mommy: "Well, I'm going to cry, but I guess he is fine."

Bean is about to run to something when the teacher pulls him aside.

Teacher: "Don't you want to go say goodbye to your Mom?"

Bean: "Oh sure. Bye Mom. See ya later."

9:16 am
Mommy arrives home with absolutely nothing to report to Daddy except that Bean does in fact know how to read his own name.

And just like that, in the span of 10 minutes (10 minutes!) Bean is out there in the world making a name for himself. Mommy misses him already.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Guest Post

Mommy's very good friend Lucinda has asked her to be a guest blogger. Head over to Lucends and check out Bean and Daddy's camping adventure.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Never Say Never

Before Mommy had children of her own she had many ideas about what she wouldn't do with her own children.

She would hear horror stories of people who let their children sleep in bed with them whenever they had a bad dream. She would think to herself, "That will never be me. I will make my children suffer through the night, even if they are terrified."

She would hear people talk about bribing their children with dessert in order to get them to eat their green beans. "I'll never stoop to that. My children will eat their beans because I say so" she would think to herself.

And she would hear people talk about how they would let their children watch some tv just so they could get a moments peace. "I will never, ever use the television as a babysitter," she would preach inside her own head.

And, then there were the parents who would push their children around the grocery store in those carts that had the car on the front. You know the ones. We've all had one of those carts bump into us at the store because they are impossible for parents to maneuver. We have all been rear ended by one of those monstrosities because the poor, beaten down, spineless parents gave in to their whining children and let them ride in it, just this once. "I'll never, ever, allow my child to ride in one of those things that I detest. I will not relent. My child will walk along side me in the grocery store saying yes please and no thank you to the woman offering him a piece of cheese. He will not touch anything in the isles and he will not, I repeat, will not ask me for candy or cakes or junk of any sort. My child will be a quiet, respectful being who will not be allowed to ride in one of those carts like the overindulged, spoiled and catered to children I so often see riding in them" she would judgmentally think to herself.

That was before Mommy had children of her own.

What were or are your "nevers"?

Saturday, September 4, 2010


Mommy, Bean and Goobs are having an adventure. They are going to visit a new library with their friends Mary and her daughter Miss C. They have not been to this particular library and rumor has it that there is a great little playground nearby.

They arrive at the library and Bean and Miss C are having a great time in the kids area playing with puzzles. Mommy has to go and ruin it by making Bean take a potty break since he hasn't had one for a few hours.
They go into the bathroom while Mary and Miss C watch Goobs. Bean begins his "Mommy I don't have to go" routine, which Mommy isn't buying because he is dancing all over the place. Mommy finally gets him to go tinkle and they wash their hands and leave the bathroom. On the way out the bathroom door, Mommy turns her back and thinks that Bean is out of the bathroom. Most of Bean is out of the bathroom, except for the 4 finger that left between the door and the door frame.

Bean: (Screaming a real scream that sends chills down Mommy's spine) "Mommy! Mommy! Help! My fingers!"

Mommy: (Completely panicked as she can see his fingers stuck and knows that the door is very
heavy and can only imagine what it is doing to her poor little baby's hand) "Oh Bean! Hold on! Oh Baby."

Wailing and screaming ensues. Bean is completely inconsolable. He is crying and screaming at the same time. He refuses to let Mommy look at his hand, but she can see that the fingers are turning black and blue and are swelling. Mommy rushes to tell Mary what happened, since she still has Goobs and then takes Bean outside to try and assess the situation. He WILL NOT STOP CRYING. This starts to scare Mommy because usually when Bean gets hurt, he cries briefly and then finds something more interesting to talk about. No matter what Mommy and Mary try, they can't get him to stop crying. Mommy calls the pediatrician and she suggests that Mommy bring Bean in to seem them. Mommy is putting Bean in the car seat and the sheer sadness and pain in his voice makes Mommy start to cry. Luckily for Mommy, her friend Mary pretends to not notice blubbering Mommy and puts Goobs in the van for her.

So they drive to the doctor. Crying. The whole lot of them.

Bean: "Mommy, I don't want to go to the doctor (sniff sniff). I don't want to go."

Mommy: "Bean, honey, I know you don't want to go but you need to make sure your fingers aren't broken or anything."

Wrong choice of words Mommy.

Bean: "What do you mean broken Mommy? Mommy! I don't want to go to the  doctor Mommy."
(Bean's crying turns to a dull whimper.) "Mommy my fingers don't hurt anymore."

Mommy: (Very suspicious of this because the fingers looked pretty sore and she isn't so sure he is telling the truth) "Bean, are you saying that because it is true or are you saying that because you don't want to go to the doctor?"

Bean: (Incapable of willfully lying because he is three and he doesn't understand the concept of deception yet) "Because I don't want to go to the Dr. Mommy!"

Bean begins to cry again continues to wail all the way to the doctor's office, in the waiting room and the in the exam room as they wait for the doctor to come in. At this point Mommy assumes that if he has been crying this much his fingers surely must be broken.

The doctor comes into the exam and immediately Bean stops crying. Not just quiets down, and whimpers a little but completely ceases crying. No tears. No sad face. Nothing. No indication what so ever of the tragedy that just occurred and that he had been wailing about for the past 30 minutes.

Dr. G: "So, what seems to be the problem here today?"

Bean: "Well Dr. G. I seem to have pinched my fingers in the bathroom door at the new library. You see, Mommy and Goobs and Me went to a new library and my fingers got pinched in the door. It was a very heavy door."

Mommy's jaw drops to the floor. This kid is something else. Is it possible that he isn't as hurt as a she thought? Is it possible that her little boy was being a drama queen? Mommy is astounded. Here is Bean. Talking to the doctor very matter-of-factly as if he is telling her about a new ice cream flavor he has tried.

Dr. G:  (With a huge smirk on her face because, let's face it, the way Bean talks is a little ridiculous for a three year old) "OK, well let's just take a look at those fingers."

Bean: (Hold his hand up for the doctor) "Oh, sure."

Oh sure? Oh sure! He wouldn't even let Mommy within two feet of those fingers and now he says 'Oh sure' to the doctor.

Dr. G: (The doctor takes his hand and begins bending and moving the fingers. Bean sits absolutely still.) "Well, things look pretty good. Can you bend them for me?"

Bean: "Well, I think I'm just going to think about something else right now."

Doctor: (Continues bending and squeezing Bean's fingers) "OK, what are you thinking about?  Are you thinking about...hamburgers?"

Bean: "No, I'm not thinking about hamburgers, but I do like to get Indian Chicken when we go to Wegmans for dinner. Daddy likes burritos. Daddy always gets a burrito when we go to Wegmans for dinner."

At this point Mommy is no longer worried that the boy's fingers are broken. The doctor laughs out loud and tells Mommy that he should be fine. The doctor then tells Mommy to give him some ibuprofen for the pain and to just watch and make sure he is using the hand. Then the doctor leaves the room.

Mommy gets Bean and a Goobs together and they leave the room. On the way out, they see Dr. G.

Bean: "By Dr. G. Thanks. Actually Dr. G. I think I like Tylenol better than I-du-profin, so I'll just take that for my fingers.

Dr. G: "OK, that will be fine as well. Have a good day."

Bean: "Bye. Have a good day."

So, yeah, the fingers are fine. And Bean had a really great story to tell Daddy when he got home from work.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

Mommy, Bean and Goobs have just returned home from running errands. They haven't gone inside yet, as the neighbor boy, one of Bean's favorite people, is outside playing and they all get side tracked. A month ago Mommy made an appointment to have the furnace cleaned and checked and of course, Mommy didn't write the appointment down and she has forgotten about it. Daddy has just called her to tell her that the furnace people called to say they will be at the house in 15 minutes. It's Monday. 15 minutes isn't nearly enough time to get everyone inside and get the house together.

Mommy rushes inside and puts the dog in the back yard. Then she proceeds to run around the house trying to make it look like there wasn't a tornado that just ripped though the living room. It doesn't occur to Mommy until much later that the furnace guys will be spending their time in the basement, not the living room, but the 50's housewife in her kicks in and she just can't help herself.

The furnace guys arrive and Bean, being the budding garbage/repair/anything-to-do-with-tools man insists on watching the men inspect the furnace. So, Mommy, Bean and Goobs follow the men down to the basement and set up camp for what is guaranteed to be a great show. Unfortunately for Mommy, neither of the furnace guys is as good looking as the landscaper that comes on Thursdays to the house across the street that Bean also likes to watch.

Mommy is busy keeping Goobs content while Bean talks the ear off of the furnace guy when one of them turns to Mommy.

Furnace Guy 1: "Uhh excuse me Ma'am, there seems to be some milk leaking somewhere."

Mommy: "(Mommy instinctually glances down at her chest, realizing that this can't be what he is talking about since her nursing days are over. She is completely confused and pretty sure she must have heard him wrong.) "What? Did you say milk?"

Furnace Guy 1: "Yes, look here. There is milk dripping down from the ceiling."

Mommy walks over and looks where the guy is pointing. Sure enough, there is milk dripping down from the basement ceiling. "

Mommy runs up to the kitchen and searches all over the floor for a tipped over milk cup. It is only 10am. No one has even had milk yet today, which means that old milk is leaking, which is even worse.

She runs back down to the basement, all the while carrying Goobs and dragging Bean along with her because he has to know what is going on all the time. She stares at the milk dripping out of the ceiling of the basement again because she just can't believe that milk is actually falling from her ceiling.

Bean: (Takes a look with Mommy and with a very serious face says) "Yep Mommy. It looks like milk."

Mommy: (Not very amused at this moment. Goobs is getting very heavy and squirmy and the milk is still dripping.) "Thanks Bean. Glad you agree with the furnace guy's assessment of things."

Bean: (Loving the face that he was just compared to the furnace guy and that he has learned a new word) "Yes Mommy, that is my sussessment."

Furnace Guy 1: "I just thought I would let you know because it would probably start to smell."

Mommy is now absolutely and completely horrified. Here are two furnace guys who are being watched by a disheveled woman, a squirmy one year old and a three year old who doesn't stop talking. Then, as if the voyeurism of this family isn't enough, there is milk dripping from the ceiling which apparently is going to make the whole house smell like rotten something-or-other. No doubt this family will be put on some sort of "avoid at all costs" house. She can picture the furnace repair men at their annual furnace conference trading names of people's homes to avoid. Mommy is mortified.

Mommy: (Clears her throat and tries to sound casual) "Yeah, thanks for letting me know. There must be a milk cup tipped over somewhere."

Mommy runs back upstairs carrying Goobs and dragging Bean. She searches the kitchen again and finally checks behind her baking/storage cart. There it is. A three day old cup of milk knocked down by the stinkin' dog during one of his kitchen rampages.

Mommy goes back downstairs and tries to explain that it was the dogs fault. The look on the furnace guy's faces clearly say "Yeah right lady, way to blame it on the dog and not your bad housekeeping."

It's Monday. Mommy figures it could have been much worse.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Goobs and the New Trick

Goobs has learned a new trick.

And he is very happy about it.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Sunday Morning Band Practice

This weekend Daddy took Friday off and so the whole family could enjoy three days together. Daddy knows that mornings are Mommy's least favorite thing about being a full-time mother. So, being a kind, loving and completely supportive husband and father, he let Mommy sleep in THREE DAYS IN A ROW! That is three blissful mornings in a row of no screaming and whining, no MommyI'mHungryWhenIsBreakfastGoingToBe Ready's before her feet hit the floor, and no bleary eyed morning bathroom runs with a toddler insisting on sitting on Mommy's lap. Three mornings in a row. Mommy has woken up Sunday morning feeling extremely refreshed and particularly appreciative of the fabulous husband that she was lucky enough to land. I mean, come on, three mornings in a row!

Then Mommy heads downstairs. As she is descending the stairs, she hears some banging and what she knows to be the snacksaphone. She goes into the family room. There they are. All three of them.

Daddy: "Good morning Mommy. Did you sleep well?"

Mommy detects a hint of sarcasm or perhaps bitterness or possibly resentment. Hmm, maybe she pushed it with three mornings in a row.

Mommy: "Good morning. What's going on down here?"

Daddy: "Good news Mommy. We found the other drum stick. Ready guys?"

Bean: "Mommy, we are going to do a concert for you."

Mommy sees that Bean has a snacksaphone in his mouth and he has a drum and two drumsticks in front of him. She looks over at Goobs and he has a pot and a spatula.

They start the concert. It is loud. Daddy smiles at Mommy.

Daddy: "Did you like the concert. Aren't you glad you slept in so that we could practice?"

The concerts continued throughout the day and into the next. What is it they say about payback?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Madame Librarian

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are at the library. They had to run some errands before they went and so they are a little later arriving at the library than is usual. Once they have picked some new books out and played with the toys, they go to the front desk to check out. It is now past lunch time and everyone is quickly losing it.

Bean: (Lets out a big, overly dramatic sigh) "Mommy, this is taking forever."

Mommy: (Wishing the ONE checkout librarian could hurry up just a teensy, weensy little bit) "It isn't taking that long. It will be our turn soon."

They finally get to the check out desk and Mommy has a few overdue fees thanks some truly gripping reads such as "My Dog Is As Smelly As Dirty Socks". It takes the check out librarian a few minutes to figure things out. She is in her early 20's and very, very, very serious. Mommy likes the librarians that have a little bit of a sense of humor. Things always turn out better for her when people can laugh at her, rather than just plain old judge here. And, with they way the hunger induced whining was increasing, she really, really wished the librarian wasn't so serious.

Bean: "Mommy, when will we ever be done?"

Mommy: "Just be patient. We are all moving as fast as we can."

Bean: (Very loudly and NOT whispering in the least and turning his head slightly so that he was taking to Mommy and the librarian) "Mommy, I think I want to tell that lady to hurry up!"

The way Bean says 'hurry up' reminds Mommy of someone. She can't quite put her finger on it. Oh wait, that's it. Bean sounds exactly like Mommy when she tells him he needs to hurry up. Mommy feels a little ashamed and is very glad she is careful not to swear in front of her little magpie. 

Mommy: (Does a quick glance to see if the librarian has managed to crack a smile yet. Nope. No luck there.)  "No, you will not tell her to hurry up. That is rude. How do you talk to her nicely."

Bean: (Completely sincere in his attempt to be polite) "Ok, Mommy, I will tell her to pleeeeease hurry up."

Mommy looks at the librarian. Come on. That's kinda funny. He's three. Isn't that kinda funny lady? The librarian gives her nothing. Not even a smirk.

Mommy: "No sir. We don't say hurry up. We just wait and be patient. Sometimes it's hard to be patient but that is just too bad. We have to wait."

Bean: "I don't like waiting Mommy."

Mommy loves how literal three year olds are. Before she had any children of her own, she used to scowl at little kids, just like the well rested, bright eyed, makeup wearing, hair done, probably manicured librarian was scowling at her and her son.

Mommy:  "Well, we have to. Now apologize to the lady for being rude and impatient please. We need to be polite."

Bean: (Sighs, puts his head down and seems more irritated that he has to do something else, prolonging the visit, than he is about having to apologize) "I'm sorry I was rude. " (Now getting a very sad face and starting to feel bad about the whole thing) "But Mommy, now we can never come back again because  I was rude."

Librarian: (With what Mommy thinks might just be a slight grin and maybe feeling a little bad that she wasn't a little bit more understanding) "It's ok. You can come back again."

It's hard to be three.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Mommy, Bean and Goobs are at Mommom and Poppop's for an afternoon of swimming and maybe a little dinner mooching. While the boys are eating their dinner, Mommy is talking to Mommom about her new age spots that seems to have popped up over the summer with all of the sun. Mommom tells Mommy about some wonderful Vitamin A face cream and runs upstairs to get a jar (she buys them in packages of 4!). She assures Mommy that it will get rid of the age spots. Mommy thanks Mommom and packs it in their bag to take home with them.

Mommy, Bean and Goobs have all arrived home. Mommy is getting the things out of the car.

Mommy: (Speaking to Bean) Honey, can you get that bag of clothes and stuff and carry it in for me."

Bean: "Oh, sure Mommy."

Bean takes the bag and looks inside. Sitting on the top of the clothes in the bag is the face cream that Mommom gave Mommy. Bean sees the cream, takes it out and throws it as hard as he can into the neighbors lawn. He doesn't think Mommy has seen him do this, but Mommy has.

Mommy: "Bean! Why did you throw that cream? That is my new face cream. Mommom just gave that to me."

Bean: "Mommy, I don't want you to use that cream Mommy."

Mommy: "Why on earth not? It will just make my face nice and soft with no wrinkles and my old spots will go away."

Bean: "Mommy you will look different."

Mommy: "Oh sweetie, it won't make me look different. It will just keep my face from looking old."

Bean: "But Mommy, you aren't old."

Mommy: "I'm a little old honey. I just want my freckles to go away a little."

Bean: "No Mommy. You can't use the cream. You aren't old. Mommom is old. She needs the cream."

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


On Saturday, Goobs took his first two unassisted steps, a big moment for Goobs.

Did Goobs take his first two steps of independence towards Daddy, the loving man who helped bring him into this world and who works tirelessly every day so that he has food to eat, a place to sleep and clothes to wear? No, Goobs did not.

Did Goobs take his first two steps to his Mother,  the woman who suffered (and I do mean suffered) for nine months to grow him inside her? Did he walk towards the woman who daily puts up with screams and poop and teething and mess after mess and only returns it all with kisses and hugs and 'I love you's'? No, Goobs did not take his first steps to her either.

Goobs to his first steps to Ernie. The dog. The smelly, loud, gassy, hairy, trash eating dog.

Mommy and Daddy aren't sure what Goobs is trying to tell them about their parenting. Probably best not to think about it.