Wednesday, March 10, 2010


Mommy, Bean and Goobs have just returned from a trip to the grocery store. The store didn't have 3 things on the list (which means Mommy is going to have to go back to the store for the 4th day in a row). Bean and Goobs are both very hungry and are whining because of it. They are walking in the door into the kitchen where Ernie is locked when they are out.

Bean: (enters the kitchen first) "Uh oh Mommy. Ernie did something bad."

Mommy: (not surprised as Ernie usually gets something off of the counter or digs something out of the trash. Mommy is more worried about the baby that is slipping out of her hands and the grocery bags that are breaking as she walks in the door) "Oh, that's ok. We'll clean it up."

Bean: (begins to cry) "No Mommy. He did something really bad."

Mommy: (a little worried about the tone in Bean's voice. Suspects things may be worse that she thought. She enters the kitchen and gasps) "Ernie! What did you do!!!!"

Ernie: (hangs his head and lowers his body as close to the ground as possible. let's out a small whimper.)

Bean: (crying louder)"Oh Ernie. Oh no!"

Goobs: (Sees Bean crying and begins crying himself)

The kitchen is a complete disaster. Dishes have been pulled out of the sink and lay on the floor broken. The garbage can has been completely emptied and entire contents are in small pieces on the floor. The pantry door has been opened and the box of dog bones has been consumed. The box of baby oatmeal has been shredded and is now stuck to the floor after an attempt was made to lick it up. The entire kitchen floor is covered with a thick film consisting of small pieces of paper and various wrappings, baby oatmeal and dog saliva. Bean and Goobs are in tears.

Mommy: (begins to cry herself) "Ernie you are a very, very, very bad dog."

Bean: "Oh Mommy. Why is Ernie such a bad beast?"

Mommy: (Sits on the steps and really begins to cry. She now knows that the reason she no longer wants 3 children is because of the stupid dog. She knows that she can't complain to anyone because the dog was her big idea in the first place and she doesn't want to hear all of the "I told you so's". She now understands why her parents never wanted a dog while she was growing up, though she will never admit this to them, and is slightly resentful of it because if they had just gotten her a dog when she was little she would have gotten it all out of her system and would not have had to adopt the first mutt she laid her eyes on when her husband finally agreed to a dog. ) "I don't know Bean. I don't know why he is so bad."

Bean: "But Mommy, we still love him right."

Mommy: (Still crying) "Not right now we don't"

Bean: "I still love him Mommy."

Mommy: (Now Mommy is worried that not only is her kitchen trashed and she is the owner of what is without a doubt the absolute worst dog in the world, but she has just permanently wounded her child by telling him that she doesn't love a member of the family when he does something bad.) "I still love him too. I'm just very unhappy with him. He made a big mess and was very bad."

Bean: (No longer crying. Goes over to Ernie, gives him a hug) "Oh Ernie, you are such a bad beast. Mommy, can you be happy now?"

Goobs: (Laughs at Bean hugging the dog)

Mommy:  "Yes, I can be happy now. I've got my boys."

Bean: "Even Ernie Mommy."

Mommy: "Even Ernie."


  1. oh ernie.....i am glad that i am not the only one who has a dog that does bad things.

  2. Alli, Its Jamey, Remember my story of sampson destroying my bathroom. All dogs get freaked out for some reason ore another. Call me if you want a good behavior specialist. Sampson took 1 visit for an hour...

  3. oh alli, i love your writing style! it makes me feel like i'm there in the moment with you. i can't help but laugh out loud. keep them coming! btw, i did grow up with dogs and ended up picking a crazy one too. hope that makes you feel better...

  4. i think ernie was was feeling neglected in your new blog and was just trying to provide you with some good writing material ;). you really should turn these adventures into some books! i hope you are having a nice, calm day today.