Friday, April 30, 2010

Bean - Attorney at Law

Mommy has just returned home from the grocery store. Daddy, Bean and Goobs are in the family room playing while Mommy puts away the groceries.

Bean: "Let's play guns Daddy."

Mommy: (Not sure what happened while she was at the grocery store, she was gone for less than an hour and her son has become a card carrying member of the NRA) "Um, what is all this gun talk?"

Daddy: "He was watching that trucks video. Yes I put him in front of a video while you are gone, there you caught me. Anyway, they had an army tank with guns. He asked me about them so I told him."

Mommy: (Often suspected that Daddy turned the tv on when she went out. It is sometimes the only way to account for the lack of destruction when she got home from runnig errands) "Bean, how about we play something nicer than guns."

Bean: (Comes into the kitchen) "But what will I play if I don't play guns Mommy. Uncle Jess gets to play guns."

Mommy: "Honey, Uncle Jess is in the Army. He doesn't play with guns, it's his job."

Daddy: (Sarcastically from the other room) "Well, I can't compete with that. Bet you won't ever hear him asking to play lawyer."

Bean: (His eyes get wide as if he has just heard the most life changing news) "Daddy! Let's play Lawyer!"

Daddy: (Laughs like he doesn't care, but Mommy can tell secretly that his is a little happy the Bean wants to play lawyer, if for no other reason than because that is what Daddy does) "Well, we can play, but I don't think you are going to like it very much."

Bean: "How do we play lawyer Daddy?"

Daddy: "Well, you send some emails, read lots of papers, have meetings and charge lots of money."

Bean goes out to the family room and gets his alphabet computer, his briefcase in which he carries toy  catalogs and his play phone. He sets up shop on the living room couch.

Bean: (Carrying his briefcase from the family room to the kitchen) "I'm delivering the emails Mommy."

Mommy: "That's great. How are your meetings going."

Bean: "Oh, they're ok.

Mommy: "Is playing lawyer fun?"

Bean: "Well, no. Maybe I wish Daddy was in the Army like uncle Jess so that I could play Army tank and guns."

Mommy: "Well, you get what you get kid. Not much we can do about Daddy being a lawyer now. Once you go over to the dark side there is no going back."

Daddy: (From the other room) "Hey, I can hear you out here. "

Bean: (Looks at Mommy like she is crazy and has no idea what is going on) "I'll keep playing lawyer Mommy. But I don't want to charge a lot of money."

Mommy: "Well then my friend, you won't be a very good lawyer if you don't charge a lot."

Daddy: (Still from the other room) "I can still hear you! We have to make a living too you know!

Bean: (Thinks for a moment, then nods his head when he comes to a decision) "Well, I won't charge you a lot of money Mommy, just Daddy."

Mommy: "That sounds about right."

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Tantrums for Everyone

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are all at the YMCA for the Sports Sampler kiddie class. The class is for 3-5 year olds and Bean is by far the youngest and smallest. This is the first class that Bean has been to where Mommy isn't going to participate but is supposed to sit on the bleachers while the children listening to the coach. They have just arrived at the gym and Bean is already clinging to Mommy.

Mommy: "Honey, why don't you go over with the other kids. The lady with the whistle is the coach. You go on over now and listen to her. I will sit right here on the bench."

Bean: (In a very logical and matter of fact voice) "No, that's ok Mommy. I will just sit here with you for a while and watch."

Mommy: (She's not going to force it. She is hoping that he will warm up) "Ok, well, then you just sit here and watch for a little bit. Then you can go over."

Bean watches for about 10 minutes. The children begin an exercise where they run around the gym following a line. Bean think this looks fun.

Bean: "I'm going to go run Mommy."

Bean takes off running. At first, he follows the line that the instructor has told them to, then he diverges and goes in a different direction. The exercise ends, but Bean continues to run on the red line for a while. He is the only child running at this point. It is pretty obvious that he has something going on in his head. He comes running back over to Mommy.

Bean: (Breathing heavily) "I'm all out of gasoline Mommy. I need to fill up."

Bean often plays a game in the house where he runs around in circles pretending to be a car or truck and stops for refueling at the gas station aka: the sink, for a fill up aka: glass of water. She gives him a sip of his water and he goes back over to the other kids. He quickly tells another boy his name then runs to the corner of the gym where all the balls are being held. He is doing all of this while the instructor is giving instructions to the nicely lined up 4 and 5 year olds. Bean is off in the corner doing his own thing. He looks up at Mommy and she indicates for him to come over to her.

Mommy: "Honey, you don't have to participate, but you can't be a distraction. If you aren't going to go over and listen to the coach with the other kids then you need to sit here with me and watch."

Bean begins to talk to Mommy rather loudly. He starts climbing on the bleachers...causing more of a distraction.

Mommy: (Getting a little frustrated. The morning hasn't gone as she has expected and she is noticing that the other mothers on the bleachers are starting to stare, perhaps even judge. She begins to feel pressure to get her three-year-old under control.) "This is your last warning, if you don't sit here with me and quiet down, we are leaving."

Bean does not quiet down. Mommy knows he isn't going to be happy about it, but she made the threat and now she must follow though. The eyes of the entire mothers section are on her. She has to make good and at least pretend like she knows what she is doing.

Mommy: "Ok, we're leaving. That's it."

Bean: (Falls on the floor and begins kicking and screaming.) "Noooooo, I don't want to go. I will listen. I promise I will be gooooooood."

Mommy picks him up off the floor and puts him, still kicking, under her arm and pushes the stroller that Goobs is sitting in out the door with the other hand. This is her first public temper tantrum. Bean has had a few tantrums before, but they have never been public. Mommy happens to be sitting on the end of the bleachers farthest from the door. This means that she has to wheel the stroller and carry her screaming three-year-old past every single other mother that is in that gym. She is absolutely and utterly mortified. They get out into the hallway and Mommy puts Bean down. He manages to collect himself.

Bean: (In his most pleasant and together voice possible, under the circumstances) "Mommy I don't want to leave. Please can we go back in? I want to listen and be good."

Mommy: "You need to listen. You either go over and listen to the coach or you sit with me and watch. Ok?"

Bean: "Ok Mommy. I will be good. I promise."

Mommy agrees and they walk back in the gym, do the walk of shame past the mother gallery, and take their place back on the bleachers. Mommy feels as if ever single eye is on her at this point. Then Bean feels brave enough to try the next exercise.

The children are to run up to a ball, two at a time, and to each try and get the ball. The child that gets the ball is supposed to try and make a goal while the other tries to get it away from them. Bean is up. The coach blows the whistle and Bean and the other child take off. The other kid gets to the ball first. Bean collapses on the floor in a puddle of tears, distraught that the other kid has taken the ball.

Bean: (In complete and utter dispair) "Mommy, he took the ball. He isn't sharing! I'm trying to be good."

Mommy looks at Bean and she feels as if her heart has been ripped from her body and thrown there on the gym floor next to her tragically crumpled mess of a son. Mommy runs over to Bean. She hears another mother from the bleachers say "awww, he doesn't understand" and that puts Mommy over the edge. She picks Bean up and there they stand together. Bean is crying and now so is Mommy.

Mommy: (Still holding Bean and trying to fight back her own tears) "Oh honey, that is the game. You both try and get the ball and put it in the goal."

Mommy is still fighting back tears, but somehow, the more she tries to fight them back, the more they come. She is standing here, directly in front of all the other mothers. Crying. Like a big, fat, 35-year-old baby. She thought her son's tantrum in front of everyone was bad, but she decides that hers is much, much worse. At least Bean has an excuse, he's only three. She knows that if she full on cries then Bean will see her and start up again, and if Bean starts up again so will Goobs, and then they will all be crying, at the YMCA, during Itty Bitty Sports Sampler class, and that is just far more tragic than Mommy ever wants to be.

Mommy: (almost getting it together) "Do you want to go sit back down? "

Bean: "No Mommy.  I'm fine. I want to go play again."

Mommy: (A little surprised how quickly he recovered and wishing she was able to do the same) "Ok, remember, when she blows the whistle, run to the ball and get it and try and kick it into the goal."

Mommy sniffles her way back to the bleachers and takes her seat once again. Bean gets in line and he is up. The coach blows the whistle. The other kid takes off towards the ball. Bean takes off to, but in the opposite direction. He goes towards the balls in the corner, picks up a ball and runs back over with it. He puts the ball down in front of the goal and kicks it into the goal. He figures if the kid won't share, he will just get his own dang ball and make a goal himself. Mommy hears another Mother on the bleachers say "well, at least he is smart" as if he doesn't have anything else going for him.

Mommy stands up and cheers for Bean and for the goal he just made,of which he is very proud. The rest of the parents in the bleachers and the coach cheer for him as well. He looks so small up against the big net and the 5-year-old who was kicking with him.

Bean: (Running over to Mommy) "Mommy, I made a goal."

Mommy: "Oh I saw Bean. Great job! That was a really great kick. "

Bean: "And I let the other boy have the ball and kick first. I was very polite."

Mommy: "Yes, that was very nice of you Bean. Thank you for being so polite."

Bean: "Let's come again Mommy. I like soccer."

Mommy: "Ok, but next time, I'm bringing tissues."

Eyebrow Mishap

This is what happens when Mommy doesn't wait until nap time to wax her eyebrows.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Just to Practice

It is 6:30 in the evening. Mommy and Bean are in the family room. It's Mommom's birthday and they are trying to call her on the phone so that Bean can wish her "Happy Birthday". No one is answering the phone.

Mommy: "I guess no one is home. Maybe Poppop took her out for dinner for her birthday." (She sighs and begins to reminisce about the days when she and Daddy could go out for dinner spontaneously, and says quietly to herself.) "Someday I will be able to go out for dinner whenever I want again."

Bean: (Not missing a beat) "But who will baby sit us?"

Mommy: "Oh, I'm talking about when you are all grown up and have moved out of the house."

Bean: (His face becomes very sad and he puts on his worried eyes) "But then you won't have any Bean."

Mommy: "Oh honey. You will always be my Bean. And you won't leave here until you are big and a grown adult. By then you will want to leave."

Bean: (Thinks for a moment, then nods his head to himself as if he has just made an important decision) "I will come back Mommy."

Mommy: (Remembering how often she has come back home to her parents house, even though she is a big and grown adult) "I am sure you will." (Then she adds for her own peace of mind and to preempt any guilt she thinks she should feel for her constant trips to her parents house) "And we will always be more than happy to have you come home, whenever you want."

Bean: "And I will be able to sleep in bed with you then because you won't be so tired because I will be an adult and you will only have to take care of Goobs."

Mommy:  "If you want to sleep in bed with me when you are 19 and come home, then, my little Bean, you may sleep in bed with me. Absolutely."

Bean: (With a look of absolute triumph as if he has just negotiated world peace he whispers in his 'If I Say It Really Quietly She Won't Hear Me And Will Just Say Yes' voice) "Maybe I should sleep with you tonight Mommy, just to practice."

Mommy: (Knowing perfectly well that he won't want to sleep with her when he is 19 and he probably won't let her hug and kiss him like he does now and feeling just a little bit sad that this day is probably going to come much, much too soon, even if he is a little bit of a terror right now, she says back in a whisper) "Maybe you should Bean, just to practice of course."

Friday, April 23, 2010


Daddy has just returned home from work. The house is a little bit of a disaster. Bean was a race car driver all day and there are cars everywhere to show for it. Goobs has begun learning how to pull items out of the cupboards faster than Mommy can put them back in. Daddy surverys the damage on his way in, and looks at Mommy.

Daddy: (with a little worry and skepticism in his voice) "So, how was your day?"

Mommy: "I know the house is a complete mess, but we had a really good day, so no comments please."

Daddy: "You look tired."

Mommy: "I said it was a good day, not a restful day."

Bean: "Mommy! Mommy! Let's go upstairs and help Daddy change his clothes."

Mommy: "Ok, you run up, I'll meet you up there." (Hands Goobs to Daddy) "Can you take the baby up. I'll be up in a second."

Daddy, Bean and Goobs all head upstairs. Mommy makes a motion to get off of the couch but strangely, her body just won't move. She is paralyzed. "Oh well," she thinks to herself . "I guess I will just have to sit here on the couch, alone, in the quiet, until they come back down."

As Mommy sits on the couch downstairs, this is the conversation she hears upstairs:

Bean: "Ahhh!! Monster!"

Daddy: "Wait! You need to have your underwear on before you crawl all over our bed!"

Goobs: (Loud laughter and squealing)

Stomp, stomp, stomp. BANG!!!

Bean: (screaming and crying at the same time) "Daddy! Ahhh!"

Daddy: "You ok in there Bean?"

Bean: (quickly recovering) "Yes, I'm just riding the escalator Daddy."

Bang, stomp, stomp, CRASH!!.

Bean: "Ouch!"

Daddy: "See that's why you need to have underwear on!" (He begins to sing a song to a made up tune) “Butt crack, baby butt crack.”

At this point Mommy is rolling her eyes and can't decide if it was a mistake to send them up alone of if she is glad she isn't up there. She is really glad Daddy has now taught Bean the term “butt crack” and is sure that it will come up at the next dinner with either Grandma or Grandpa or Mommom or Poppop.

Bean: (Begins singing to the same tune) “Butt crack, baby butt crack.

Bean comes down the stairs, with shirt on, completely naked from the waist down wearing Mommy's shoes and singing the new favorite tune of the house.

Mommy: "Lovely Bean. That's just lovely."

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Bright Side

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are in the car. The day has been a difficult one. The night before Mommy only got about 3 hours of sleep. Both boys were up multiple times in the night, but never at the same time, which left Mommy spending her night either comforting one of the boys or trying to fall back asleep herself. The bad night sleep led to general day-time crankiness, which led to little-to-no nap, which led to more crankiness of everyone in the house, including the cat. Daddy's car is in the repair shop and Mommy is taking the boys along as she goes to take him to pick up his car at the car repair shop (to the tune of $450, which Mommy thinks may be adding to the crankiness).

Mommy: (Speaking to Bean) "Well, today wasn't the best day was it? Tomorrow will be better, I am sure of it."

Bean: "Mommy, when you are having a bad day it is always best to look on the bright side."

Mommy: (Stunned that her toddler is already spewing life lesson and then actually feeling a little shameful that she just got schooled by a someone who needs help pulling up his own pants) "Yes, that's true. Where did you hear that?"

Bean: "From Calliou."

Mommy: (She figures that even if she can't teach her son how to see a glass as half full then at least she is putting him in front of the right television shows) "Well, Calliou is right. It is always a good idea to look on the bright side, even when you are having a bad day like we did today."

Bean: "Mommy, what's the bright side?"

Mommy: "You mean, like, what does "the bright side" mean or what is the bright side of today?"

Bean: (Thinks for a minute. Figures he is pretty adept at using context to figure out meanings) "What is the bright side of today?"

Mommy: (Admittedly, she speaks a little sarcastically, as she tries to keep her eyes open from being so bloody exhausted) "Well, for me it's that you and Goobs both go to bed at 7 and then I will be off duty for the day."

Bean: "Yes, I was a grumpy boy today. It will be good for me to sleep."

Mommy: "What is the bright side for you?"

Bean: "That we get to have another day tomorrow. "

Mommy: (She perks up a little, realizing that tomorrow is Wednesday and Wednesday is the one day a week that she gets to go into work, go to the bathroom by herself, finish a cup of coffee before it gets cold, and have her personal space all to herself for 8 straight hours) "Yes, we do have tomorrow. That is the bright side."

Bean: "Oh Mommy, I love you. You're a good Mommy."

Mommy: (Now she remembers that Wednesday is the one day of the week that she has to go into work, doesn’t get any hugs and kisses, doesn’t hear any sweet laughter, and can't touch the two people who have made her a much, much better person, for 8 straight hours.) "I love you too Bean. You are pretty great yourself."

Bean: "Aww, yes I am Mommy."

Monday, April 19, 2010

Mommy Returns

Mommy has just returned home from her weekend away. She is feeling rejuvenated and ready to, once again, tackle motherhood. Daddy is greeting her in the driveway with Bean and Goobs.

Bean: (Running up to Mommy and giving her legs a big hug) "Mommy! You're home!"

Mommy: (Picking Bean up and hugging him properly) "Hi Sweet Pea. I missed you. How was your weekend."

Bean: "Good. I was good for Daddy."

Mommy: (Grabs Goobs out of Daddy's hands and gives him a big hug and many, many kisses, causing him to giggle. She looks at Daddy. He is looking a little weary) "Hi. How did it go?"

Daddy: (Pauses. He looks as if he is trying to figure out what the best answer would be) "Fine. Everything was fine. We had fun."

Mommy: (feeling a little disappointed that things were so perfect) "Really? Well, good. I was hoping they would behave for you."

Daddy: "Yeah, things went well. Saturday morning, things got a little dicey there for a few minutes, but we recovered."

Mommy, Daddy, Bean, and Goobs all walk inside. Surprisingly, the kitchen is clean. The rugs have been vacuumed. Laundry has been done and put away. Even the grocery shopping has been done. The painting of the upstairs hallway that was half finished when she left has been completed. Pictures have been have been re-hung on the wall. Mommy has a look of utter shock and disbelief on her face.

Mommy: (Not quite sure that she likes the fact that Daddy manages to get more done than she does when he is home with the boys) "Wow! The house is so...clean. Oh my gosh. You put all the laundry away. Wow."

Daddy: (not even attempting to take any of the credit) "Yeah, your parents were here Friday. And your Mom just finished the painting and mowed the lawn."

Mommy: (feeling relieved) "Oh good. I thought you managed to get all that done while taking care of the boys."

Daddy: (Laughs out loud) "Ha, are you kidding me! That was all your parents. Goobs and I managed to grocery shop while they had Bean though."

Daddy gets a very serious look on his face. He is going over the events of the weekend alone with the boys in his head. He puts Goobs down on the floor, goes over to Mommy, and very earnestly hugs her.

Daddy: "Thank you for coming back."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010


It's 4:30 in the afternoon. Bean, Mommy and Goobs are coming in from playing outside. Bean goes into the family room to play. Mommy sets Goobs up in the highchair and starts cooking dinner.

Bean: (Entering the kitchen) "Mommy, I think I need to watch one of my shows so that I can decompress."

Mommy: (A little aghast at what her three-year-old just told her) "Um, ok. I guess if you need to 'decompress'."

Bean: "Yes Mommy. I'm a very tired little boy. Playing outside is hard work."

Mommy: "Ok, go get on the couch. I will turn your show on for you while I make dinner."

Mommy goes back to making dinner. About 10 minutes later Bean calls out from the living room.

Bean: (In a rather loud and demanding voice) "Mommy, is my dinner ready yet."

Mommy: (Doesn't like the tone in his voice and especially doesn't like any man yelling at her to get his dinner ready, she walks into the living room to address the attitude. She begins laughing as soon as she sees him) "Um, what happened to your pants?"

Bean: "I took them off. I had to get comfortable. So I could relax."

Mommy rolls her eyes and figures she will let Daddy worry about this one.

Monday, April 12, 2010


Mommy is in the kitchen getting dinner ready. Goobs is in the highchair talking with Mommy. Bean is in the family room keeping himself occupied until dinner is ready.

Bean: (comes running into the kitchen and announces loudly) "Mommy! I can open tops now!"

Mommy: (She is distracted. The water for noodles is boiling over. Goobs is grabbing the mail on the counter. Ernie is sniffing at the pork on the countertop.) "Hmm. That's nice honey."

Bean runs back into the family room. Mommy continues working on dinner and then, suddenly, realizes what her very active three-year-old just said.

Mommy: (Quickly making her way out to the family room) "Tops! What tops did you get off?! What are you doing out here?"

Bean is in the small bathroom off of the family room looking very guilty.

Bean: "Look Mommy. I can take tops off now. I took the top off of the berry soap and the orange Sesame Street soap."

There is liquid foam soap everywhere. Both containers were full. They are now empty. Toilet is covered. Floor is covered. Cabinet is covered. Soap everywhere. When will Mommy learn not to leave him alone!

Mommy: "Well, the bathroom needed to be cleaned anyway I guess."

Tommy: "Mommy, I'm a good helper."

Friday, April 9, 2010

Happy Birthday Mommy

The boys are getting ready for bed. Daddy is in the bedroom with Bean. Goobs and Mommy are in the nursery.

Daddy: (Whispers to Bean) "Here. Go give this to Mommy and tell her 'Happy Birthday'"

Bean: (Runs into the nursery with a small bag and hands it to Mommy) "Here Mommy. Happy Birthday."

Mommy: (opens the bag and finds a new necklace) "Oh Wow! Thank you. It's beautiful. Thank you Daddy. You remembered."

Daddy: (clearly proud of himself that he took Mommy's not so subtle hint when she sent him a link to this website)  "You're welcome. Happy Brithday Mommy. We love you."

Mommy: (admittedly, a little teary eyed. She puts on her new necklace) "Thanks boys. I love you all."

Bean: "Mommy. What's that for? Why do you wear that?"

Mommy: "It's so everyone knows who I belong to."

Just Ten Minutes

Friday night. Daddy has just returned home. Mommy, Bean and Goobs are sitting at the table finishing dinner. Daddy comes in. Mommy is looking especially haggard this evening.

Daddy: Hi family, how was today.

Mommy: Don't ask. The most important thing is that today is almost over.

Daddy: Oh, ok. Well, I'm going to go change.

Mommy: Ok, when you come back down I need to run to the bank.

Daddy: (looks at Mommy suspiciously) But it is after 5 on a Friday. The banks are closed.

Mommy: Well, I just need to go to the ATM.

Daddy: Why? Can't you just go the next time you go out?

Mommy: (sighs, is becoming a little frustrated) Well, I need to get milk to.

Daddy: (Now very, very suspicious) But there was almost a full gallon this morning.

Mommy: (completely exasperated now) Ok, fine. If you are going to make me say it out loud then yes, I need to go sit in the car for 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes of quiet is all I need.

Daddy: Ok.

Bean: Can I go with you Mommy?

Mommy and Daddy: NO!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Taken Over

Evening. Mommy and Daddy are sitting in the living room. Bean and Goobs are in bed. Mommy and Daddy are finally able to have a conversation about the exceptionally difficult day that Mommy had with Bean.

Mommy: "So, we have to do something. Bean is crazy jealous and does nothing but whine and complain all day and whenever he is in the same room as Goobs he pushes him and gets really frustrated with him."

Daddy: "Well, it is hard for him. Goobs has come in and totally taken over everything in his life. He doesn't have anything to himself anymore."

Mommy: (She rolls her eyes slightly. Being the second born herself, it is very hard for her to have pity for first-borns) "I know, I know. I think he needs a place to play with some of his stuff that Goobs can't get to. Every time Bean sat down to play with something in the family room, Goobs crawled right over and started getting into it. I can see how that would be frustrating."

Daddy: "Well, maybe we need to separate the toys. Then we can gate the family room and Goobs can be out there and Bean can be here in the living room with some of his toys. We can just move the Bean toys out here in the living room."

Mommy becomes silent. She furrows her brow. Takes a very deep and dramatic breath and slowly sighs. She appears to be on the verge of tears.

Daddy: "Don't worry honey. I know it was a long day. It will get better. He is just a little jealous. We'll get though it."

Mommy: "Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm not worried about that. It's just that the earlier in the week I had to put the pack-n-play back up in the dining room. Now we are talking about Bean's toys in the living room. You do realize this is the last room that doesn't have kids stuff in it."

Daddy: (Making a mental inventory. Remembering the toy truck that Bean left on his pillow for him last night and the never ending baskets of laundry which sit in Mommy and Daddy's bedroom waiting to be put away. Realizes that Mommy is right and looks around the living room. The room has amazingly managed to stay completely child-free.) "Well, it was bound to happen sometime. Sorry about it."

Mommy: "Oh well. They're worth it I suppose. Besides, once they move out every room will be mine again."

Daddy: (Smirks and stifles a little laugh) "Yeah." (pauses) "I would agree with you...if we didn't spend nearly every weekend at your parents, send our children over there for sleepovers and have them take our dog on a regular basis. Think about how much stuff of our family's stuff is at your parents house."

Mommy: (She realizes that Daddy is right) "Crap!" (not really what Mommy said, but edited for content)

Monday, April 5, 2010


It is a typical Monday morning. Bean is cranky because Daddy has to go back to work. Goobs has been awoken from his morning nap by the screams of Bean as he was being tortured by his mother because she was making him get dressed. Mommy goes up to get Goobs, leaving Bean downstairs by himself. Mommy changes Goobs diaper and gets him dressed. She is upstairs for all of 5 minutes when she comes back down.

Bean is standing in the family room with no pants or underware on. Mommy sees him as she is approaching the room and isn't startled. She figures he must have taken himself to the bathroom. He is standing on the far side of the room. Very, very still, which makes Mommy nervous. She enters the room.

Mommy: (Gasps. She sees the baby cereal box laying on the floor of the family room and knows what a disaster that could potentially be.) "What is going on out here?"

Bean: (Looks at Mommy. Trying to read her and figure out if he is in trouble) "I was making big boy cereal. Oh Mommy, I love you."

Mommy will not be fooled. She walks further into the room and sees more. Part of the box of baby cereal has been poured out onto the carpet. Mommy thinks "no problem, I can just vaccum that up." Then she sees the quart of half & half that has been taken out of the fridge and poured onto Daddy's desk and mixed with some of the cereal in the seat of the Baby Bumbo. She takes a closer look at the Baby Bumbo and sees various Lego men mixed in with the cereal and half & half. Mommy laughs a little. Not feeling very mad.Then she looks down at Bean. He looks up at her and smiles and she thinks to herself "well, whatever, I was going to clean this morning anyway." Then she notices again the he isn't wearing any pants.

Mommy: "Where are your pants?"

Bean: "In the bathroom, I had to do a tinkle"

Mommy: (Feeling very proud of her potty trained three year old, she goes into the bathroom to get the pants) "Ahhh! What happened in here!

There is tinkle all over the bathroom. Bean climbed on the potty and tried to go but missed  the toilet completely. Pee. All over the bathroom floor. Mommy looks a littel closer. Sees the baby cereal mixed with the tinkle on the bathroom floor.

Mommy: "Kay, the half & half was funny but this is just gross."

Bean: "I think so too Mommy. Can you clean it up."

Mommy is standing in the tinkle sprayed bathroom looking out at her family room which is covered with some dry baby cereal, some wet baby cereal a whole lot of half and half, an 8-month-old who is crawling towards the sloppy mess and  half naked 3-year-old. Ernie slyly comes into the room as starts licking the wet baby cereal off of the carpet.

Mommy: "I was wrong. It's all gross."

Bean: "But I'm not gross Mommy."

Mommy: "No sweetie. You aren't gross. It's just that all of this mess is kinda gross."

Bean: (He looks around at the mess and nods his head. Goes over to Ernie who has started licking the cereal out of the Baby Bumbo) "No Ernie, don't do that. Mommy will think you are gross and try to clean you up."

Saturday, April 3, 2010

The Jig Is Up

Saturday before Easter. Mommy and Bean are talking about the events of Easter day.

Mommy: Tomorrow is Easter! After church we are going to the Martin's farm for dinner and hopefully the Easter bunny will have left something for you there.

Bean is staring at Mommy. Something is going through his mind. He has his thinking face on.

Mommy: (Continues, undeterred by the puzzled look on her son's face) "Maybe the Easter bunny will leave you a basket full of candy here at the house and then when we go over to the farm he will have left some eggs for you to find."

Bean furrows his brow. Looking at his mother in disbelief.

Mommy: (Determined to get her ever so serious three-year-old excited about Easter) "Won't that be fun? The Easter bunny will leave all sorts of things for you to find."

Bean: (Finally fed up with his mother and her silly nonsense) "No Mommy, you will hid them. You will hide the eggs at the Martin's farm and I will find them. They are downstairs in the basement. Why would a bunny hide them. Silly Mommy."