Saturday, July 31, 2010

A Drive

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are driving in the car. Bean is talking, as usual.

Bean: "Hey Mommy, Hey Mommy, Hey Mommy. Mommy? Mommy? What is that fence doing up over there?"

Mommy: "Hmm? I don't know honey."

Bean: "Hey Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. Hey Mommy, do you think they are doing construction?"

Mommy: "Hmm? Oh, probably Bean."

Bean: "Hey Mommy, Mommy, hey Mommy, when's Daddy getting home? Will you say 'pretty soon'."

Mommy: "Pretty soon."

Bean: "What's for dinner Mommy? Will you say 'Creamed Chicken'."

Mommy: No, I won't say creamed chicken because we are having hamburgers."

Bean: "Ok Mommy. I like hamburgers. Mommy, hey Mommy....."

It's at this point that Mommy tunes Bean out, just a little. She always scowled at the women in the grocery store who seemed to ignore their children when they were peppering them with questions that Mommy once thought were so cute and wonderful. She never understood how women could just completely ignore the sweet sounds coming from such cute, innocent, inquisitive faces. Now she understands.

Bean: "....Mommy, hey Mommy, what did you say? Did you say yes?"

Mommy: "I didn't say anything honey. I'm trying to concentrate on my driving. How about we play a quiet game and see how long you can be quiet."

Bean: (Silent for a brief, beautiful moment as he ponders this request. It does not escape him that this so called 'game' is Mommy's way of trying to get him to stop talking ) "No Mommy, I really like my voice. I don't want to turn it off right now."

Mommy: (Sighs. Hoping to gain a little perspective, she now tries to picture him as a 16 year old locked in his room refusing to say even two words to her. It is very hard to imagine this.) "OK, chat away Bean. I like your voice too."

Bean: "So, Mommy....

Photo: Bean saying "Hey Mommy", his new favorite phrase.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Trouble a Brewing

When Mommy went upstairs to take her shower this morning, she left Bean on the couch watching Bob the Builder and Goobs in his crib with some books and Bear. While Mommy was in the shower she heard a few bumps and bangs, but no screams. When Mommy got out of the shower this is what she found:

It should be noted that Bean doesn't and never did use a pacifier. Goobs is only supposed to have his at night time and Mommy hadn't seen the one in Bean's mouth for a few months.

Mommy has a feeling that the teenage years may be a challenge.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Poor Daddy

Mommy and Daddy are both feeling a little exhausted after a birthday weekend full of parties, too much sugar, not enough sleep and two very excited little boys. Sunday night has come, and while Sunday nights are usually a little sad for Daddy because he has to go back to work the next day, he is feeling a little relieved that the weekend is over and he can get back to the business of lawyering. Daddy is tired. He was on kid duty all day Saturday while Mommy was getting ready for Goobs' Birthday party. On top of child care duty, he had to clean the house for out of town guests. Ernie was particularly bad this weekend when he decided to break the lock that is used to keep him contained in the kitchen, causing one more repair for Daddy. There was also the mowing of the lawn, laundry to do, and some hedges that needed to be pruned. Daddy is feeling a bit grumpy, which doesn't happen very often to Daddy. Earlier in the day, he was accidentally kicked by Bean in a place that men don't like to be kicked, which is adding to his crossness and general discontent.

Mommy has just run the bath for Goobs and is washing him while Daddy and Bean are in Bean's room. Daddy comes into the bathroom.

Daddy: "I think we are out of diapers up here for Goobs. I used the last one up here this morning. I'll go get some."

Daddy leaves to go downstairs and get diapers from the basement, leaving Bean in his room alone. Mommy continues washing Goobs. Mommy and Goobs are chatting in the bath playing with some bath toys when Bean comes in, and leans over the bath, sticking his one little pointer finger in the bathtub. He swishes his finger around, removes it from the bath water, inspects it, and then leaves the bathroom. Mommy pauses. Very suspicious behavior.

Mommy: (Calling from the bathroom) "Bean, what are you doing in there?"

Bean comes back into the bathroom and repeats the finger washing ritual. This time Mommy clues in that something may in fact be amiss.

Mommy: (Turning her head to see Bean's face directly next to her as he is leaning over the tub) "What is that on your finger?"

Bean: "Mommy, it's just some cream."

Mommy: "What kind of cream Bean?"

Bean: "Mommy, it's just some bottom cream."

Mommy: (Looking at Bean to see if maybe he has taken his pants off and is actually using the cream as it was intended, then sighing because it appears he is fully clothed and there is no cream anywhere on his body meaning that the cream is somewhere else. She is afraid to ask, but of course has to because that's what she is there for, to find out where the butt cream is being smeared, other than on butts of course) "Where are you putting the cream Bean?"

Bean: (Matter-of-factly and with no guilt or remorse in his voice) "On the books Mommy."

Mommy stands up and goes to the door way of the bathroom. She can see the tube of cream laying in the floor in Beans room. Bean dashes out of the bathroom back into his room like he is a moth to a flame. He just can't help himself. It's gooey, it's white and it smears so very nicely over things. Goobs is still in the bath and Mommy can't leave. It all happens so quickly all she can do is stand at in the doorway of the bathroom with one eye on Goobs and yelling for Daddy to help.

Mommy: "Bean! Don't smear anymore cream! Those are library books! Daddy! ADAM! ADAM! I NEED HELP!!!"

Daddy: (Yelling from downstairs, the diaper search is not going well) "WHAT! I'M LOOKING FOR DIAPERS!"


It should be noted here that despite the general craziness, this family isn't really a yelling family. So, when voices are raised, it means that things are not going very well. This is particularly true for Daddy. He just doesn't really ever raise his voice. When he was calling to Mommy from downstairs, his voice was most definitely raised, making Mommy suspect he was reaching the end of his rope for the day.

Daddy: (Running up the stairs half worried that something is wrong, half annoyed) "What is going on up here?"

Mommy: "Bean has cream. I'm afraid to look. Goobs is in the bath. Help!"

Daddy sighs and goes into Bean's room. Mommy can hear Daddy grumbling from the bathroom but can't make out what he is saying, which she figures might be for the best. Mommy gets Goobs out of the bath and wraps him in a towel. She takes him into Bean's room to assess the damage. Daddy has a package of wipes in one hand and a library book in the other. Bean is sitting on his bed, very quietly.

Mommy is thinking that somewhere in here is a funny blog post. A three-year-old and a tube of butt cream, what isn't funny about that?

Mommy: (Still holding a wet and squirmy Goobs) "Wait, don't clean anymore off. Do you have your phone or the camera? I want to take a picture."

With his head still lowered, Daddy slowly moves his eyes upward so they lock with Mommy's eyes. He stares at her. He is not amused.

Daddy: (In a completely flat, eerily calm, quiet voice) "No. I do not have my phone or the camera with me right now. Right now I am cleaning bottom cream off of a library book."

Mommy: (Thinking that he should bottle this look and voice and take it into the courtroom with him) "Ha, just kidding. No pictures. Great job Daddy." (She pauses and tries to fake a carefree giggle) "Love you."

Mommy is sure that he will find this whole thing much funnier later on. At least she hopes so.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Goobs Turns 1

Goobs was born three days after his due date. He was very wrinkly when he came out, but Mommy loved him anyway.

At first he just slept,

but then he started to smile,

and make little noises with funny faces.

Then he just got down right goofy.

Now he is a full blown goof ball, and Mommy loves every single silly little inch of him. Happy Birthday Goobs.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Video Recorders

It is nap time. Goobs is upstairs sleeping peacefully. Bean is resting on the couch while watching a Bob the Builder. Mommy has finished dishes and such and has decided to lay on the other couch and rest her eyes.

Thirty minutes later, she feels a little tickle on her face. She opens her eyes and this is what she sees.

Mommy: (Not sure yet if she fell asleep or if she was still just resting her eyes)"Um, what's up Bean?"

Bean: '"I'm videoing you with my video recorder."

Mommy: (Scanning the room to make sure that if she did in fact fall asleep while she was supposed to be watching the kids the house is not on fire and both are alive and present) "Well, I'm very glad that I got that new truck for you this morning so that you could but the box to good use."

Bean: "Mommy, it's not a box. I saaaaaaid it is a video recorder."

That will teach Mommy to buy Bean a truck in the middle of the week for no reason at all, even if it was on sale for $6.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Tadpoles and Polliwogs

Goobs is napping. Mommy and Bean are reading stories. Mommy has just finished three stories and Bean brings over the book of children's Bible lessons that Mommom gave him. Today's story is about frogs and tadpoles and how they change as they get bigger, eventually turning into a frog. The point of the story is to illustrate to the children that as they get older they will grow and get bigger and that God loves them and all of that good stuff. The authors of this particular lesson were not aware of the literalist that is Bean.

Mommy: (Reading from the book) "As a tadpole gets bigger, it begins to look more like a frog and it is called a froglet. Finally, the tail disappears completely and the frog is all grown up....God makes all things grow and change. Just like a polliwog, you will get bigger and grow stronger. Everyday you are learning new things. God has wonderful plans for you as you grow up."

Mommy is very pleased with herself. What a nice little story. No scary Bible stories for her three-year-old. No being kept awake at night from reading about things like the poor Lot's wife and her excessive salt intake, no flesh eating whales, and certainly no being thrown to the Lions when you have done something naughty. Nice simple stories about how God loves you and wants the best for you. Mommy figures all of that scary  stuff can come later. Right now they will stick with happy thoughts.

Bean: (Takes the book from Mommy and closes it up. Sits for a moment as if in deep thought. Turns to Mommy and with a very serious and worried look on his face) "Mommy, when I get big, am I going to lose my bottom?"

Mommy: (Thinking that perhaps she should have just stuck with the classics like Herod's heart being eaten by worms or Jezebel's blood being licked up by dogs. Perhaps these would have been less traumatic to her son than the idea of his bottom disappearing when he becomes an adult) "No sweetie. You don't have a tail. You just have a bottom and it will be on you always. You will never lose it."

Bean: (Not looking convinced but deciding to take Mommy's word for it) "Good Mommy. What would you do without your favorite tushie?"

Monday, July 19, 2010

Newsletters and Laughs

Six days a week, Mommy is a full-time, stay at home mother. And since Bean is now afraid of 'big ladies and tree fields' and spends most night with Mommy, that means the full 24 hours a day is spent with one or both of the boys.  On Tuesdays, Mommy goes to a job which she enjoys and is only with the boys for 16 of the 24 hours from that day. Some weeks, it is her favorite 8 hours of the week.

Occasionally, Mommy has a meeting that she has to attend in the evenings. This usually only occurs once a month and Mommy is out of the house for no more than 1 1/2 hours. Daddy comes home a little early and plays with the boys until Mommy gets home and helps with bed time. Tonight is one of those nights and Bean is trying to convince Mommy that he can't possibly make it without her. Mommy, on the other hand, is pretty sure he can.

Mommy: "Bean, I am only going to be gone for 1 hour. You and Daddy can build towers."

Bean: "Oh but Mommy, I will miss you."

Mommy: (Bean has been using the 'Mommy I will miss you' line for a few days now. It was cute at first but has now lost it's cuteness factor and Mommy isn't moved by it at all) "Well, absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's good to miss each other. Then we remember how much we love each other."

Bean: "Oh but Mommy, you will forget me."

Mommy: (Knows perfectly well that she is being played, but just in case anyone is listening, she decides to respond with the textbook healthy child development answer so as not to cause any permanent damage) "I will never forget you. I love you. You are my little boy. Now, get out of the way so I can go to my meeting."

Mommy hugs and kisses Bean and Goobs goodbye and gets in the car. Sadly, she finds herself looking forward to her big meeting out where she will get to talk to people about newsletters. Not sure what the implications of this are, but she is pretty sure it has something to do with her diminishing brain power.

Mommy is in her meeting and things are just about to wrap up. She sees that there might be an opportunity for some real adult conversation after the meeting and is thinking she might be able to stick around. Then her phone beeps. She looks at it. Text message from Daddy. She stares at her phone. It can't be anything good. Daddy absolutely hates texting and the only reason he must be doing it is because he knows she can only read texts in her meetings and it must be something important. She looks down the table at all the nice adults talking to each other in nice voices. No one is whining at each other. No one is saying "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, excuse me Mommy" while she is talking. They all let her finish her sentence before they begin talking. She looks down at her phone again and figures she might as well check it. She doesn't have to run home. How bad could it be?

Daddy Text: "Where is Cozy Blanket!!!?"

Mommy: (She sighs, looks at the table of adults, all sipping their beer and talking so nicely to each other she says) "I have to go. See you all later."

Mommy gets home and searches for Cozy. She finds him in the corner of the downstairs bathroom. She begins to walk upstairs and she hears Bean laughing. She takes Cozy up. Bean has just gotten out of the bath and Daddy is putting his pajamas on him.

Bean: "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! You're home! You found Cozy."

Mommy: Yes, I'm home. How was your evening? You have already had your bath I see."

Bean: "So Mommy, how was your meeting?"

Mommy looks at Bean laying there all cute and clean in his jammies. Oh hang it all!  These stinkin' kids. You think you are so glad to get away from them and then you come home and they are all cute and yummy looking in their pajamas and they go and ask you nice pleasant questions like 'how was your meeting Mommy'.

Mommy: "It was fine. Kinda boring I guess."

Bean: (Laughs out loud hysterically with a full belly laugh, which is rare for Bean) "Oh Mommy. You're silly. What was your meeting about?"

Mommy: "Newsletters."

Bean: (Laughs even harder and louder. He laughs so hard that Daddy and Mommy start laughing.) "Oh Mommy. Newsletters. I missed you Mommy."

Mommy figures adult conversation is overrated anyway.

Monday, July 12, 2010


Bean has requested Wendy's Chili and Oranges for lunch. So, loving the fact that her little one would rather eat chili and oranges than chicken nuggets and french fries, Mommy agrees and they stop off at Wendy's after a trip to the library. They purchase the kids meal at the drive through and take it home to eat.

Bean: "Mommy, can I have the prize now?"

Mommy: Not till we get home and I make sure it is a safe toy."

By "safe" Mommy means quiet. Mommy doesn't need anymore noise in her life, so she weeds it out where she can.

They get home and Mommy pulls out the toy from the bag. It is a kazoo which is shaped like a saxaphone. Mommy debates giving it to Bean but she's pretty sure he won't be able to figure out how to use it. Mommy is very, very wrong. It take Bean all of two seconds to figure out how to use the kazoo saxaphone. After his lunch he walks around the house playing his kazoo as loud as humanly possible.

Bean: (Marching though the house, grinning ear to ear he asks proudly) "Mommy! Does my snacksaphone play beautiful music?"

Mommy: (Cringing at the ear piercing music and watching Goobs as he is putting his own lips together and blowing as if he also has a "snacksaphone" she shouts over the noise) "Yes honey. Beautiful music."

Mommy knows that if she were to take it away from him while he is having so much fun just because it made a little noise she would without a doubt be the worst mother in the world. So she decides to let him keep it, for now. She is hoping that soon he will grow tired of it.

Fast forward to the next morning. The snacksaphone was by Bean's bed all night and was the first thing he asked for in the morning and began playing it immediately. Now everyone has breakfasted, Daddy is off to work and Mommy is racking her brain for a way to get the snacksaphone away from Bean without ripping it from his cheerful, happy fingers. They are upstairs putting away laundry when Mommom calls. Mommy is talking on the phone while Bean is in his room playing his snacksaphone. Goobs has crawled into the hallway and is sitting in Bean's doorway. Bean is standing at his door. He slams it. It just misses Goobs. Bean opens his door.

Mommy: "Bean! Don't you slam that door. Your brother is right there. You could hit him. DO NOT SLAM THAT DOOR AGAIN!"

Bean looks at right at Mommy and with the i'm three now and i can do whatever i want stare, he slams the door before Mommy has a chance to catch it or move Goobs. This time, he hits Goobs square on the head.

Goobs: (Wailing and screaming)

Mommy: (Drops the phone with Mommom on the other end, grabs Goobs and begins kissing and consoling him. Goobs stops crying rather quickly making Mommy suspect that he didn't really get hit all that hard and that maybe he is starting to perfect the younger child "oh my older brother hurt me so much" cry. Mommy continues consoling him none the less until he has settled down. Bean is looking very guilty, but not all that remorseful) "Bean! You hit Goobs on the head. Why did you do that? I told you not to slam your door!

Mommy stops. Usually this is where time outs come in. But wait. It hits her. The snacksaphone! This is just the thing she has been waiting for.

Mommy isn't happy that poor Goobs had to suffer so, but she is very happy that the snacksaphone has been put away. For today anyway.

A note to readers. Goobs was in fact fine. The door didn't even leave a mark. I dedicate this post to Goobs. Thanks for taking one for the team buddy.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Pimms by the Pool

Mommom and Poppop are back from their European vacation. Since it is 92 degrees outside, Mommy has decided to take Bean and Goobs over to Mommom and Poppop's so they could visit with their grandparents, whom they missed very much, and swim in the pool. It's a pretty good deal for Mommy. She goes over and when she really needs it, she has two extra sets of hands. Sometimes Mommy even gets to go to the bathroom by herself and eat her entire lunch in one sitting.

Apparently, while on their tour of the United Kingdom, Mommom became fond of a new drink called a Pimm's. Basically, it's a gin based liquor with fruit juice and spices. You mix it with ginger ale, add a few strawberries, some cucumber slices and mint, then sit by the pool and enjoy. Upon her return to the U.S., Mommom purchased the ingredients for the Pimm's.

The day in the sun has wound down and everyone is getting a bit peckish. Bean is starting to grumble and become the little dictator that he does when he gets hungry. Goobs is starting to shout at Mommy in unintelligible baby babble that Mommy fully understands to mean "I'm hungry woman, get me some food." Since it's 4:30, Mommy is starting dinner so she can feed the boys before they leave for the day and go home.

Poppop has just come into the kitchen to make some Pimm's for Mommom and her friend Mrs. H, who has come to visit and chat with Mommom by the pool. Mommy watches as Poppop makes the drinks. They look wonderful.  Perfectly red strawberries floating in the bubbly goodness. A little sprig of mint floating on top. The smell of fruity gin wafting through the kitchen. Poppop leaves to take the ladies their drinks. Mommy can see Mommom and Mrs. H from the kitchen window. One is in the pool and one is sitting on the steps of the pool. Both are drinking a Pimm's. Mommy lets out a deep sigh and turns back to the chicken pieces cooking on the stove top moves them around a little and stirs the carrots. She hears Bean scream from the other room where he is playing.

Bean: Mommy! Is my dinner ready yet? I want my dinner now!

Mommy: "It's coming. How about you speak to me in a nice voice. You are more likely to get fed it you speak to me nicely."

Bean: (Still yelling from the other room) "Pleeeeeeeeese Mommy. Please!"

Goobs is sitting in his highchair also waiting for dinner. He has grown impatient as well and begins to scream at Mommy. Mommy give him some cheese to tide him over.

Mommy looks back outside. Now the ladies are both sitting on chairs having a conversation - without anyone screaming at them. Mommy looks at the bottle of Pimms on the counter. She takes off the cap. She takes a whiff. It does smell good. She picks up a can of ginger ale and pours some into a glass. For a brief moment everything is quiet and she forgets that she is on duty. She picks up the bottle of Pimms to pour a splash into her glass, then she hears Bean scream from the other room.

Bean: Mommy! I'm really really hungry."

Mommy snaps out of her trance and remember that cocktail hour doesn't exist in Mommy world. People who have to drive children home in minivans don't get to drink Pimm's by the pool in the afternoon.

Mommy sighs and puts the cap back on the Pimm's. Instead, she cuts up two strawberries and puts them in her ginger ale. That's all the cocktail she is going to get today.

As Bean and Goobs eat their dinner, Mommy sits at the kitchen table, drinking her Pimmsless ginger ale and doing the math. Only thirty more years till she can drink a Pimm's by the pool at 5:00 in the afternoon.

Monday, July 5, 2010

An Uncivilized Bunch

Mommy, Daddy, Bean and Goobs have spent the weekend at Mommom and Poppop's house. Mommom and Poppop are away for three weeks, and since the weather was hot and perfect for the pool, they decided to pack everyone up and spend 4 days at the country house. Daddy took an extra day off of work and they have decided that this will be their summer vacation. Free house, free pool and hours of outdoor entertainment. The house is already equipped with all the cribs, highchairs, bib, diapers etc. that are necessary. All they need to do is pack up a few clothes and the dog and they are set.

When Mommy and the boys visit Mommom and Poppop at the country house while they are in residence, Mommy tries very hard to keep everyone nice and tidy and on their best behavior. Clothed at all time, no eating things off of the floor, faces wiped, hands clean - a very civilized bunch. Since Mommom and Poppop are away, Mommy has been a little lax about those rules.

For instance, there was the day of swimming in underwear, rather than proper swim trunks.

Then there was the day of black raspberries when Goobs was rinsed off in the pool after lunch, rather than wiped off properly with a cloth.

And of course, there was Ernie, stealing yogurt and Mommy letting him eat it in the garden, because after all, it's vacation and we are allowed to behave like barbarians.

And, vacation just wouldn't be vacation without a little bit of sandbox/hammer time.

But, everyone seemed happy.

And Mommy got a little rest.


All it took was one box of tissues to get 30 minutes of total peace and quiet. Wasteful? Yes. Totally worth it? Absolutely. Thank you Kleenex.