Mommy and Daddy are both feeling a little exhausted after a birthday weekend full of parties, too much sugar, not enough sleep and two very excited little boys. Sunday night has come, and while Sunday nights are usually a little sad for Daddy because he has to go back to work the next day, he is feeling a little relieved that the weekend is over and he can get back to the business of lawyering. Daddy is tired. He was on kid duty all day Saturday while Mommy was getting ready for Goobs' Birthday party. On top of child care duty, he had to clean the house for out of town guests. Ernie was particularly bad this weekend when he decided to break the lock that is used to keep him contained in the kitchen, causing one more repair for Daddy. There was also the mowing of the lawn, laundry to do, and some hedges that needed to be pruned. Daddy is feeling a bit grumpy, which doesn't happen very often to Daddy. Earlier in the day, he was accidentally kicked by Bean in a place that men don't like to be kicked, which is adding to his crossness and general discontent.
Mommy has just run the bath for Goobs and is washing him while Daddy and Bean are in Bean's room. Daddy comes into the bathroom.
Daddy: "I think we are out of diapers up here for Goobs. I used the last one up here this morning. I'll go get some."
Daddy leaves to go downstairs and get diapers from the basement, leaving Bean in his room alone. Mommy continues washing Goobs. Mommy and Goobs are chatting in the bath playing with some bath toys when Bean comes in, and leans over the bath, sticking his one little pointer finger in the bathtub. He swishes his finger around, removes it from the bath water, inspects it, and then leaves the bathroom. Mommy pauses. Very suspicious behavior.
Mommy: (Calling from the bathroom) "Bean, what are you doing in there?"
Bean comes back into the bathroom and repeats the finger washing ritual. This time Mommy clues in that something may in fact be amiss.
Mommy: (Turning her head to see Bean's face directly next to her as he is leaning over the tub) "What is that on your finger?"
Bean: "Mommy, it's just some cream."
Mommy: "What kind of cream Bean?"
Bean: "Mommy, it's just some bottom cream."
Mommy: (Looking at Bean to see if maybe he has taken his pants off and is actually using the cream as it was intended, then sighing because it appears he is fully clothed and there is no cream anywhere on his body meaning that the cream is somewhere else. She is afraid to ask, but of course has to because that's what she is there for, to find out where the butt cream is being smeared, other than on butts of course) "Where are you putting the cream Bean?"
Bean: (Matter-of-factly and with no guilt or remorse in his voice) "On the books Mommy."
Mommy stands up and goes to the door way of the bathroom. She can see the tube of cream laying in the floor in Beans room. Bean dashes out of the bathroom back into his room like he is a moth to a flame. He just can't help himself. It's gooey, it's white and it smears so very nicely over things. Goobs is still in the bath and Mommy can't leave. It all happens so quickly all she can do is stand at in the doorway of the bathroom with one eye on Goobs and yelling for Daddy to help.
Mommy: "Bean! Don't smear anymore cream! Those are library books! Daddy! ADAM! ADAM! I NEED HELP!!!"
Daddy: (Yelling from downstairs, the diaper search is not going well) "WHAT! I'M LOOKING FOR DIAPERS!"
Ernie: BARK! BARK! BARK!
It should be noted here that despite the general craziness, this family isn't really a yelling family. So, when voices are raised, it means that things are not going very well. This is particularly true for Daddy. He just doesn't really ever raise his voice. When he was calling to Mommy from downstairs, his voice was most definitely raised, making Mommy suspect he was reaching the end of his rope for the day.
Daddy: (Running up the stairs half worried that something is wrong, half annoyed) "What is going on up here?"
Mommy: "Bean has cream. I'm afraid to look. Goobs is in the bath. Help!"
Daddy sighs and goes into Bean's room. Mommy can hear Daddy grumbling from the bathroom but can't make out what he is saying, which she figures might be for the best. Mommy gets Goobs out of the bath and wraps him in a towel. She takes him into Bean's room to assess the damage. Daddy has a package of wipes in one hand and a library book in the other. Bean is sitting on his bed, very quietly.
Mommy is thinking that somewhere in here is a funny blog post. A three-year-old and a tube of butt cream, what isn't funny about that?
Mommy: (Still holding a wet and squirmy Goobs) "Wait, don't clean anymore off. Do you have your phone or the camera? I want to take a picture."
With his head still lowered, Daddy slowly moves his eyes upward so they lock with Mommy's eyes. He stares at her. He is not amused.
Daddy: (In a completely flat, eerily calm, quiet voice) "No. I do not have my phone or the camera with me right now. Right now I am cleaning bottom cream off of a library book."
Mommy: (Thinking that he should bottle this look and voice and take it into the courtroom with him) "Ha, just kidding. No pictures. Great job Daddy." (She pauses and tries to fake a carefree giggle) "Love you."
Mommy is sure that he will find this whole thing much funnier later on. At least she hopes so.