Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk

Mommy, Bean and Goobs have just returned home from running errands. They haven't gone inside yet, as the neighbor boy, one of Bean's favorite people, is outside playing and they all get side tracked. A month ago Mommy made an appointment to have the furnace cleaned and checked and of course, Mommy didn't write the appointment down and she has forgotten about it. Daddy has just called her to tell her that the furnace people called to say they will be at the house in 15 minutes. It's Monday. 15 minutes isn't nearly enough time to get everyone inside and get the house together.

Mommy rushes inside and puts the dog in the back yard. Then she proceeds to run around the house trying to make it look like there wasn't a tornado that just ripped though the living room. It doesn't occur to Mommy until much later that the furnace guys will be spending their time in the basement, not the living room, but the 50's housewife in her kicks in and she just can't help herself.

The furnace guys arrive and Bean, being the budding garbage/repair/anything-to-do-with-tools man insists on watching the men inspect the furnace. So, Mommy, Bean and Goobs follow the men down to the basement and set up camp for what is guaranteed to be a great show. Unfortunately for Mommy, neither of the furnace guys is as good looking as the landscaper that comes on Thursdays to the house across the street that Bean also likes to watch.

Mommy is busy keeping Goobs content while Bean talks the ear off of the furnace guy when one of them turns to Mommy.

Furnace Guy 1: "Uhh excuse me Ma'am, there seems to be some milk leaking somewhere."

Mommy: "(Mommy instinctually glances down at her chest, realizing that this can't be what he is talking about since her nursing days are over. She is completely confused and pretty sure she must have heard him wrong.) "What? Did you say milk?"

Furnace Guy 1: "Yes, look here. There is milk dripping down from the ceiling."

Mommy walks over and looks where the guy is pointing. Sure enough, there is milk dripping down from the basement ceiling. "

Mommy runs up to the kitchen and searches all over the floor for a tipped over milk cup. It is only 10am. No one has even had milk yet today, which means that old milk is leaking, which is even worse.

She runs back down to the basement, all the while carrying Goobs and dragging Bean along with her because he has to know what is going on all the time. She stares at the milk dripping out of the ceiling of the basement again because she just can't believe that milk is actually falling from her ceiling.

Bean: (Takes a look with Mommy and with a very serious face says) "Yep Mommy. It looks like milk."

Mommy: (Not very amused at this moment. Goobs is getting very heavy and squirmy and the milk is still dripping.) "Thanks Bean. Glad you agree with the furnace guy's assessment of things."

Bean: (Loving the face that he was just compared to the furnace guy and that he has learned a new word) "Yes Mommy, that is my sussessment."

Furnace Guy 1: "I just thought I would let you know because it would probably start to smell."

Mommy is now absolutely and completely horrified. Here are two furnace guys who are being watched by a disheveled woman, a squirmy one year old and a three year old who doesn't stop talking. Then, as if the voyeurism of this family isn't enough, there is milk dripping from the ceiling which apparently is going to make the whole house smell like rotten something-or-other. No doubt this family will be put on some sort of "avoid at all costs" house. She can picture the furnace repair men at their annual furnace conference trading names of people's homes to avoid. Mommy is mortified.

Mommy: (Clears her throat and tries to sound casual) "Yeah, thanks for letting me know. There must be a milk cup tipped over somewhere."

Mommy runs back upstairs carrying Goobs and dragging Bean. She searches the kitchen again and finally checks behind her baking/storage cart. There it is. A three day old cup of milk knocked down by the stinkin' dog during one of his kitchen rampages.

Mommy goes back downstairs and tries to explain that it was the dogs fault. The look on the furnace guy's faces clearly say "Yeah right lady, way to blame it on the dog and not your bad housekeeping."

It's Monday. Mommy figures it could have been much worse.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Goobs and the New Trick

Goobs has learned a new trick.

And he is very happy about it.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Sunday Morning Band Practice

This weekend Daddy took Friday off and so the whole family could enjoy three days together. Daddy knows that mornings are Mommy's least favorite thing about being a full-time mother. So, being a kind, loving and completely supportive husband and father, he let Mommy sleep in THREE DAYS IN A ROW! That is three blissful mornings in a row of no screaming and whining, no MommyI'mHungryWhenIsBreakfastGoingToBe Ready's before her feet hit the floor, and no bleary eyed morning bathroom runs with a toddler insisting on sitting on Mommy's lap. Three mornings in a row. Mommy has woken up Sunday morning feeling extremely refreshed and particularly appreciative of the fabulous husband that she was lucky enough to land. I mean, come on, three mornings in a row!

Then Mommy heads downstairs. As she is descending the stairs, she hears some banging and what she knows to be the snacksaphone. She goes into the family room. There they are. All three of them.

Daddy: "Good morning Mommy. Did you sleep well?"

Mommy detects a hint of sarcasm or perhaps bitterness or possibly resentment. Hmm, maybe she pushed it with three mornings in a row.

Mommy: "Good morning. What's going on down here?"

Daddy: "Good news Mommy. We found the other drum stick. Ready guys?"

Bean: "Mommy, we are going to do a concert for you."

Mommy sees that Bean has a snacksaphone in his mouth and he has a drum and two drumsticks in front of him. She looks over at Goobs and he has a pot and a spatula.

They start the concert. It is loud. Daddy smiles at Mommy.

Daddy: "Did you like the concert. Aren't you glad you slept in so that we could practice?"

The concerts continued throughout the day and into the next. What is it they say about payback?

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Madame Librarian

Mommy, Bean and Goobs are at the library. They had to run some errands before they went and so they are a little later arriving at the library than is usual. Once they have picked some new books out and played with the toys, they go to the front desk to check out. It is now past lunch time and everyone is quickly losing it.

Bean: (Lets out a big, overly dramatic sigh) "Mommy, this is taking forever."

Mommy: (Wishing the ONE checkout librarian could hurry up just a teensy, weensy little bit) "It isn't taking that long. It will be our turn soon."

They finally get to the check out desk and Mommy has a few overdue fees thanks some truly gripping reads such as "My Dog Is As Smelly As Dirty Socks". It takes the check out librarian a few minutes to figure things out. She is in her early 20's and very, very, very serious. Mommy likes the librarians that have a little bit of a sense of humor. Things always turn out better for her when people can laugh at her, rather than just plain old judge here. And, with they way the hunger induced whining was increasing, she really, really wished the librarian wasn't so serious.

Bean: "Mommy, when will we ever be done?"

Mommy: "Just be patient. We are all moving as fast as we can."

Bean: (Very loudly and NOT whispering in the least and turning his head slightly so that he was taking to Mommy and the librarian) "Mommy, I think I want to tell that lady to hurry up!"

The way Bean says 'hurry up' reminds Mommy of someone. She can't quite put her finger on it. Oh wait, that's it. Bean sounds exactly like Mommy when she tells him he needs to hurry up. Mommy feels a little ashamed and is very glad she is careful not to swear in front of her little magpie. 

Mommy: (Does a quick glance to see if the librarian has managed to crack a smile yet. Nope. No luck there.)  "No, you will not tell her to hurry up. That is rude. How do you talk to her nicely."

Bean: (Completely sincere in his attempt to be polite) "Ok, Mommy, I will tell her to pleeeeease hurry up."

Mommy looks at the librarian. Come on. That's kinda funny. He's three. Isn't that kinda funny lady? The librarian gives her nothing. Not even a smirk.

Mommy: "No sir. We don't say hurry up. We just wait and be patient. Sometimes it's hard to be patient but that is just too bad. We have to wait."

Bean: "I don't like waiting Mommy."

Mommy loves how literal three year olds are. Before she had any children of her own, she used to scowl at little kids, just like the well rested, bright eyed, makeup wearing, hair done, probably manicured librarian was scowling at her and her son.

Mommy:  "Well, we have to. Now apologize to the lady for being rude and impatient please. We need to be polite."

Bean: (Sighs, puts his head down and seems more irritated that he has to do something else, prolonging the visit, than he is about having to apologize) "I'm sorry I was rude. " (Now getting a very sad face and starting to feel bad about the whole thing) "But Mommy, now we can never come back again because  I was rude."

Librarian: (With what Mommy thinks might just be a slight grin and maybe feeling a little bad that she wasn't a little bit more understanding) "It's ok. You can come back again."

It's hard to be three.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Mommy, Bean and Goobs are at Mommom and Poppop's for an afternoon of swimming and maybe a little dinner mooching. While the boys are eating their dinner, Mommy is talking to Mommom about her new age spots that seems to have popped up over the summer with all of the sun. Mommom tells Mommy about some wonderful Vitamin A face cream and runs upstairs to get a jar (she buys them in packages of 4!). She assures Mommy that it will get rid of the age spots. Mommy thanks Mommom and packs it in their bag to take home with them.

Mommy, Bean and Goobs have all arrived home. Mommy is getting the things out of the car.

Mommy: (Speaking to Bean) Honey, can you get that bag of clothes and stuff and carry it in for me."

Bean: "Oh, sure Mommy."

Bean takes the bag and looks inside. Sitting on the top of the clothes in the bag is the face cream that Mommom gave Mommy. Bean sees the cream, takes it out and throws it as hard as he can into the neighbors lawn. He doesn't think Mommy has seen him do this, but Mommy has.

Mommy: "Bean! Why did you throw that cream? That is my new face cream. Mommom just gave that to me."

Bean: "Mommy, I don't want you to use that cream Mommy."

Mommy: "Why on earth not? It will just make my face nice and soft with no wrinkles and my old spots will go away."

Bean: "Mommy you will look different."

Mommy: "Oh sweetie, it won't make me look different. It will just keep my face from looking old."

Bean: "But Mommy, you aren't old."

Mommy: "I'm a little old honey. I just want my freckles to go away a little."

Bean: "No Mommy. You can't use the cream. You aren't old. Mommom is old. She needs the cream."

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


On Saturday, Goobs took his first two unassisted steps, a big moment for Goobs.

Did Goobs take his first two steps of independence towards Daddy, the loving man who helped bring him into this world and who works tirelessly every day so that he has food to eat, a place to sleep and clothes to wear? No, Goobs did not.

Did Goobs take his first two steps to his Mother,  the woman who suffered (and I do mean suffered) for nine months to grow him inside her? Did he walk towards the woman who daily puts up with screams and poop and teething and mess after mess and only returns it all with kisses and hugs and 'I love you's'? No, Goobs did not take his first steps to her either.

Goobs to his first steps to Ernie. The dog. The smelly, loud, gassy, hairy, trash eating dog.

Mommy and Daddy aren't sure what Goobs is trying to tell them about their parenting. Probably best not to think about it.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Bean's Genius Idea

It's bath  time. Mommy, Daddy, Bean and Goobs are heading upstairs to start baths and bed. Daddy and Goobs are on their way up while Mommy is trying to wrangle Bean. He is very distracted.

Mommy: (Her hands are full with Bear, Cozy Blanket, a bottle for Goobs, and a basket of clean and folded laundry) "Come on Bean, time to go up for bath.

Bean: (Clearly in his own world and acting as if he can't hear a word Mommy is saying, he is whispering to himself) "Perhaps, hmmmm, perhaps."

Mommy: (A little confused what is going on is his head. She has not seen this game before. Usually he is rescuing someone or digging or fixing something. But this is odd. He is just walking around in a circle saying 'perhaps') "Come on Bean. I said it is time to go upstairs. Time for bath."

Bean: (There is a twinkle now in his eye and a devilish grin on his face. He is still walking in circles.) "Perhaps"

Mommy watches as Bean stops circling, drops trou and is cocked and ready to fire right over her basket of knitting yarn that Goobs had gotten out just moments before they headed upstairs.

Mommy: (Screams, drops Bear, Cozy and the bottle along with the full basket of clean folded laundry) "DON"T YOUR DARE!"

Bean looks at Mommy completely stunned like a deer in headlights. Mommy picks him up, rushes him upstairs and plunks him on the potty. Bean is fully potty trained. This was no accident. In fact, Bean is starting to stand and learn to aim now with his tinkle. Mommy suspects this is the problem. Daddy and his brilliant idea of teaching Bean how to aim. This never happened when he sat down to tinkle like Mommy showed him.

Mommy: "The potty is where you do your tinkles mister. Especially inside. That was my yarn! Were you really going to tinkle on my yarn? Where did you come up with that genius idea?"

Bean doesn't say a word. Mommy can hear Daddy's chuckle from Goobs' room.

Mommy: (She leaves Bean to finish his business, on the potty, like a civilized human being, and goes into Goobs' room to talk to Daddy) "Well, I guess it's official. We have ourselves a little boy. What on earth would make him want to do that?"

Daddy: "Little boys like to pee on things. It's his way of letting everyone know what's his."

Mommy: "Well, I'm not raising a pack of dogs here. And besides, that was my yarn. I never bargained for these boys peeing on my things on purpose. Completely unacceptable!"

Mommy heads back downstairs to retrieve the bottle, Bear and Cozy. She leaves the pile of laundry in a crumpled mess the floor and heads back upstairs. Bean is still on the potty. Daddy is now in the bathroom with him. Mommy can hear the two of them giggling together.

Bean: (Obviously very pleased with himself that not only did he almost manage to pee on his mothers very expensive silk blend yarn, but he now learned a new phrase from Mommy) "Daddy, I had a genius idea."

Daddy laughs out loud and Bean continues to laugh. Guess the joke is on Mommy. All Mommy can do is sigh and tell herself to buck up. For the next 18 years, she is going to be out numbered by penises and she had better start getting used to it.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Just when she thought it was safe...

Mommy has been very happy lately because Bean has finally lost interest in his snacksaphone, giving Mommy a few days free from a kazoo induced headache. 

Mommy is in the kitchen when she hears the snacksaphone being played in the living room. Then, she hears Bean talking to his trucks in the family room. "How can this be?" Mommy thinks to herself. The noise is coming from the living room, but Bean is in the family room.