Thursday, September 30, 2010

Oh Mommy

It is Wednesday night. The evening of the Student of the Day fiasco. Mommy is in the basement. She has been down there for quite a while and Daddy comes to check on her. She is crying.

Daddy: (A little alarmed that she is down in the basement crying alone) "What's wrong! Why are you crying?"

Mommy: (She looks at Daddy and that just makes her cry a little more) "I can't believe I totally screwed up on Bean's first time as Student of the Day. I just feel so bad. This was it. My first shot at being a good Mommy for Bean as he is out in the world and I completely and totally messed it up. I know it isn't the end of the world or anything, but it was a really big deal to me. This is my job. This is what I am supposed to do. I am going to get a really, really bad performance review this year and I don't deserve a raise."

Mommy is now mostly feeling bad that she got caught being so upset about this whole student of the day ridiculousness.

Daddy: (He is a little unsure how to handle this. His wife is usually a stiff upper lip sort of woman, but these children are turning her into a big blubbering mess) "Honey, I know you are sad but he probably won't even remember."

Mommy and Daddy look at each other and they both know that Daddy is being far too optimistic. Of course Bean will remember. He remembers everything. He was 18 months old when they took him to swimming lessons at the school down the street and he still talks about how cold the water was every time they pass it. He remembers the toy that he got when he went to the dentist with Mommom when he was 22 months. They both know perfectly well that this is something he will remember and remember and remember. Daddy is starting to look a little sad now.

Mommy: "Why are you looking sad? You just said it was going to be OK."

Daddy: "I know but, well, it is kinda sad. He was so excited about it."

Mommy starts to cry again.

Mommy: "I can just hear my parents now. My Mom is saying 'that's why you need to write things down' and my Dad is saying 'got to organize'. I totally pulled an Alli on this and I feel awful. It's just like that time I wrote down the wrong information about the SAT location and went to the wrong place to take the test. No wonder I never feel like a grown up. Seriously, why did anyone even let me have children in the first place. I'm not responsible enough. I can't even remember where I'm supposed to go to take the SAT's."

Daddy is getting a little worried. Mommy is starting to sound slightly irrational at this point. Plus, he knows that when Mommy starts talking about hearing her parents voices in her head, it is a good time to run the other way.

Daddy: "Look, he was happy. He got to use the special pointer. He doesn't even really get that you forgot."

Again they look at each other, knowing this is not true. Bean gets that Mommy forgot and they both know that a year from now, when they think the whole thing is forgotten, he is going to mention and put Mommy in a tailspin all over again.

Mommy: "This is it. This is the moment. I can see him 30 years from now, sitting in the therapist's chair, remembering this as the moment he realized his mother was a disaster."

Daddy: "It's good for him. He needs to learn that the world isn't a perfect place."

Mommy: "Yes, but he is supposed to learn that from someone at school or a mean teacher or something. Not from his own mother." (More crying ensues.)

Daddy: "Well, there is nothing to do. He got to use the special pointer. That's really all he cared about anyway. And he had Cozy to show and tell everyone. So really it turned out OK."

Mommy: (Trying to rally herself because it is close to bedtime and she doesn't want puffy eyes in the morning) "Yeah, he was really excited about the pointer. He was smiling about it all morning."

Daddy: "See, he will be fine. I think. And look on the bright side, maybe by the time this comes up in therapy we will both be dead."

Mommy: "That's true. Maybe he won't remember this until I'm dead. Oddly enough, that makes me feel a little better."

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Mommy the Failure

Today was Beans third week of preschool. Mommy was a little worried that the whole things was going to explode in her face. The year started off with her completely forgetting to attend the "Meet the Teacher" night at preschool. She didn't realize she had missed it until the weekend before school started. Upon realizing her mistake, she quickly emailed the teacher, who kindly assured her that it was no big deal and everything was fine. Mommy was much relieved and has been encouraged at how well Bean has been doing with his new routine. Monday drop off was a little rough for Bean, so today he decided to bring cozy blanket with him as an added security.

Mommy dropped Bean off at school, gave him some kisses and hugs and sent him on his way. Bean seemed happy and excited to be in school. Mommy is feeling like perhaps she has things together. This morning went particularly well. After the "Meet the Teacher" debacle, Mommy got herself a calendar and hung it up in the kitchen where she would see it and not be able to forget anything. She was organized Mommy. Together Mommy. Ready for anything the world wants to throw at her Mommy. She was feeling very proud of herself this morning. This should have probably been her first hint.

Mommy arrives to pick up Bean from school. All the parents are waiting outside while the teacher brings them out two at a time. Bean is the first to come out.

Mommy: "Hi Sweetie, how was your day!"

Bean: "Mommy, my backpack is very heavy."

Mommy takes Beans backpack off as as she does she notices that the teacher is still standing there. Mommy looks up at the teacher.

Mrs S.: (She pauses, takes a deep breath and lowers her eyes as if she is going to deliver some bad news) "So Bean was Student of the Day today. Did you forget?"

Each kid gets to be student of the day a few times during the year. When they are student of the day, they get to use the special pointer to help the teacher, bring in one of their favorite things for show and tell and bring a snack in for the class. Bean has been very excited about being student of the day. He has been trying to figure out what he will bring in to show everyone when it is his turn.

Mommy: (Scanning her brain for some forgotten piece of information. She can't find any recollection of this. How has she forgotten it completely? It's just not there. She didn't forget, she didn't know. No one told her.) "What! Today! Wait. I didn't know. I didn't forget. How would I know that he was student of the day?"

Mrs S.: "It was on the September calendar that I handed out at the Meet The Teacher night." (She pauses. and remembers that Mommy wasn't there. Kinda has a little look like, oh you poor, poor woman) "Oh. That's right. You were the only one who wasn't there."

Picture a knife. Now picture it going right through Mommy's poor, disorganized heart. The only one. The only parent who obviously doesn't love her child enough to remember one freaking date. The only one who couldn't hang a calendar on the wall and mark important dates before she actually forgot them. The only one that forgot the healthy snack. The only one who is now going to cry, right there, in front of everyone because she has now understands that this will not be the only time she completely and utterly lets her child down. What a failure is this Mommy. She thinks about Bean spending hour after hour talking about which favorite things he will bring in to show the kids. She thinks about him asking Mommy if he can bring in grapes when he is student of the day. Tears are welling up in her eyes.

Mommy: "Oh man. I feel awful. I'm so sorry. I didn't know."

Mrs S.: "Well, luckily he had cozy blanket with him so he showed that to everyone. And we had some extra snacks."

Mommy: "Will he get to be student of the day again? Was this his only chance?"

Mrs. S.: "He will have lots of chances. Don't worry. It's not a big deal. He was happy to get to use the pointer and he loved showing everyone cozy blanket."

Mommy: "OK. Well, I'm sorry. I have the October calendar posted on the fridge. I won't forget next time."

The teacher pats Mommy on the shoulder and heads inside to finish up dismissing the class. Bean looks up at Mommy. He has a huge smile on his face. If only he knew how badly Mommy screwed up.

Mommy: "Bean, I'm sorry I forgot. I goofed. I won't forget next time I promise."

Bean: (Still smiling ear to ear) "Mommy I got to use the special pointer and we got to have Teddy Grahams and Goldfish for snack.

Mommy: (She had such plans for her first sent in snack. Homemade oatmeal cookies, grapes, juice. Better than stale Goldfish, Teddy Grahams and paper cups of water) "That sounds pretty great. It's a good thing you brought cozy today. You got to show everyone."

Bean: "Yeah, it's what I would have brought in anyway."

Mommy: "Well, I'm sorry I forgot. But I am glad you got to use the special pointer."

Bean: "Yes, the pointer was special. I love you anyway Mommy. Even if you are a goof."

And to think, Mommy was worried that her life was starting to quiet down a little and she wasn't going to have much to blog about anymore. Rest assured readers, if Bean or Goobs are having a quiet week, Mommy will certainly screw something up and give you all something to chuckle about.

Have you ever felt like you were a complete failure when it comes to Motherhood? Please share. It just might make me feel better.

Monday, September 20, 2010

The Lawn

It is Sunday evening. Mommy had to work on Saturday and the weekend has been a long one. Daddy and Bean have just returned home from the Science Center. Everyone is hungry. Mommy is trying to get dinner ready as fast as possible to keep everyone from completely falling apart. Things are not going as quickly as she would like.

Bean: (whining from the other room) "Mommy! I'm hungry! Is my dinner ready yet?"
Mommy: "Just a few minutes. I'm trying as fast as I can."

Goobs: "Ma Ma. Num Num Num. Ma Ma!"

Daddy: (trying to make himself heard over the whining and complaining) "How come you didn't get it ready while we were gone? I thought you said you would have dinner ready when you got home."

Mommy: (Also trying to make herself heard) "I tried but Goobs wouldn't have anything to do with me putting him down. All he did was stand at my legs and cry. I couldn't really do anything."

Bean: "Mommy! Dinner!"

Daddy: "Once you get them down to dinner, I have to go mow the lawn, OK?"

Mommy hates mowing the lawn and it was something that they agreed would be Daddy's job. Daddy doesn't particularly like mowing the lawn, but he hates it less than Mommy, which is how decisions get made in this house. Whoever hates it less has to do it.

Mommy: "OK, just let me get this ready and get them to the table."

The screaming and whining continues. Mommy finally gets dinner ready and has the boys sit at the table. There is a moment of silence then it begins again.

Bean: "Mommy, I don't like this. I don't want this. I want a hamburger."

Mommy: "Sorry Bean. This is what is for dinner. Eat it or be hungry. I'm not making you something else."

Goobs: "Ma Ma, num num num. Wa Wa." (Then he proceeds to spit out the food that he has in his mouth and throw the rest of it on the floor for the dog to eat.)

Mommy looks at Daddy who is just about to get up to go mow the lawn. She has an idea.

Mommy: " I can go mow the lawn for you."

Daddy: (Silence. He looks at Mommy in disbelief. Has it really gotten this bad? Is she really this frazzled? Has she actually just volunteered to mow the lawn? He isn't sure he wants to give up his 20 minutes of iPod, lawnmower induced solitude) "No, that's OK. I can do it."

Mommy: (Trying to sound diplomatic and like she is really just trying to have an even steven marriage) "No, really, you always have to do it. It's only fair."

At this point Daddy knows that Mommy is playing him. He's not going to fall for it.

Daddy: "No, I don't mind. I know how much you hate it. I can do it."

Mommy: (Sensing that Daddy is on to her little scheme, she figures it is a lost cause. After all, he is the lawyer. No sense in trying to out play him.) "OK, you can do it."

By this point, Goobs has flung all of his food off of his tray and just as Mommy gets up to get him a cheese stick when she steps in a puddle of milk that has formed on the floor from a Goobs-flung sippy cup, soaking her last clean pair of socks. She is feeling surrounded and is in dire need of some fresh air. No more discussion. She is Mommy and if she wants to mow the lawn then she is going to do precisely that.

Mommy: "No, I think I'm going to go mow the lawn. I could use the exercise. See you."

She jumps up before Daddy can protest. As she is leaving the house she can faintly hears Daddy's cries of defeat.

Daddy: " Hey! No fair! You said I could mow the lawn. No take backs!"

Who would have ever thought it would come to this. Certainly not Mommy, that is for sure.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Camera

Mommy's Aunt Carol and Uncle Tom recently came for a visit. During a trip to the zoo with said aunt and uncle, Bean got it in his head that he needed a camera. He spent the better part of the day badgering Mommy to lend him her camera (not a chance) and then tried to talk his great Aunt Carol and Uncle Tom into using theirs. Aunt Carol was patient and tried to teach him how to use it, but being Bean, he insisted that he knew how to do it himself.

About a week after dear Aunt Carol and Uncle Tom left, a package come from addressed to Bean. Mommy knew what it was and she knew who thank/blame.

Mommy wondered if she should just hand the camera over to Bean. Afterall, it was kinda a big gift and he hadn't really done anything for it except annoy the pants off of everyone. But, she figured it was a gift for him from a loving aunt and uncle and who was she to withhold it. So she handed it over.

Then Mommy spent the better part of two hours trying to teach Bean how to use it.

Then Mommy spent the next two hours trying to convince Goobs that he didn't really want it and that it was Bean's camera and he couldn't have it.

It's actually a pretty cool camera and completely indestructible. It makes noises, which makes Goobs happy when he turns it on, and it does in fact take pictures, which makes Bean happy.

Bean said he was going to take pictures of his favorite things. Here are some samples, for your viewing pleasure.

Monday, September 13, 2010

First Day Jitters

Last night Mommy had a dream that Bean was graduating from high school. There he was, in his three year old body with a cap and gown getting a diploma and graduating from high school. Today was the first day of preschool for Bean. Mommy was expecting the day to be filled with drama, tears and much heartache as Bean was left without Mommy for the first time. Mommy asked Daddy to take the morning off so that she could really focus on Bean and make sure he was comfortable with the whole "school" idea before leaving him. The day didn't go exactly as Mommy anticipated.

7:10 am
Bean: Mommy! Wake up. It's time to go to school."
Mommy: "OK, are you excited? Are you happy about going to school?"
Bean: Yes Mommy. Now get up or we will be late."

Mommy is convinced that Bean just thinks he is excited but that when he actually realizes he has to be without Mommy he is sure to cry.

8:00 am
Bean: "Mommy, go get your shower. Hurry. I have to get dressed so I can go to school."

Mommy is pretty sure that he is still going to breakdown as soon as she walks out of his classroom.

9:06 am
Bean: "Mommy! Stop taking pictures. Come on Mommy. I want to go to school."

Mommy is beginning to think that maybe he might do a little better than she expected. A few tears perhaps, but he'll rally once he sees how much fun he will have."

9:10 am
Bean: (Pulling at his car seat buckle trying to get it undone now that the car is parked in the nursery school parking lot) "Mommy! Come unbuckle me. Mommy, let me out.!"

Mommy is wondering if maybe she underestimated how well she prepared Bean for the idea of preschool but she has to stop wondering because she has to catch up with Bean who is actually running through the parking lot towards the school door. Mommy is hoping he doesn't push the other kids out of the way to get to his classroom.

9:12 am
Mommy: (They are standing outside the classroom)  "OK Bean, let's see if we can find your hook. Where is the hook with your name on it.

Bean: (Already hanging his coat and bag on the hook that has his name on it.) "It's right here Mom. Here is my name."

Mommy figures he is ready for school and makes a mental note that he can in fact recognize his name, even though he makes like he can't at home. Then Mommy has to stop making mental notes because once again Bean is off, headed for his classroom which, by the way, he has never been to before.

Bean: (Standing in front of the teacher, whom he has never met) "Hi. I'm Bean and I'm three. I used to be one, then I was two and now I'm three."

Teacher: "Well, it's nice to meet you. I'm glad you are in my class. Can you go find your name tag over there. It will be the one with the...

Bean: (Hands it to her before she can finish her sentence) "Here it is. Here is my name."

The teacher looks at Mommy. Mommy gives her a bashful smile.

Teacher: "Well, it looks like he is going to do just fine."

Mommy: "Well, I'm going to cry, but I guess he is fine."

Bean is about to run to something when the teacher pulls him aside.

Teacher: "Don't you want to go say goodbye to your Mom?"

Bean: "Oh sure. Bye Mom. See ya later."

9:16 am
Mommy arrives home with absolutely nothing to report to Daddy except that Bean does in fact know how to read his own name.

And just like that, in the span of 10 minutes (10 minutes!) Bean is out there in the world making a name for himself. Mommy misses him already.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Guest Post

Mommy's very good friend Lucinda has asked her to be a guest blogger. Head over to Lucends and check out Bean and Daddy's camping adventure.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Never Say Never

Before Mommy had children of her own she had many ideas about what she wouldn't do with her own children.

She would hear horror stories of people who let their children sleep in bed with them whenever they had a bad dream. She would think to herself, "That will never be me. I will make my children suffer through the night, even if they are terrified."

She would hear people talk about bribing their children with dessert in order to get them to eat their green beans. "I'll never stoop to that. My children will eat their beans because I say so" she would think to herself.

And she would hear people talk about how they would let their children watch some tv just so they could get a moments peace. "I will never, ever use the television as a babysitter," she would preach inside her own head.

And, then there were the parents who would push their children around the grocery store in those carts that had the car on the front. You know the ones. We've all had one of those carts bump into us at the store because they are impossible for parents to maneuver. We have all been rear ended by one of those monstrosities because the poor, beaten down, spineless parents gave in to their whining children and let them ride in it, just this once. "I'll never, ever, allow my child to ride in one of those things that I detest. I will not relent. My child will walk along side me in the grocery store saying yes please and no thank you to the woman offering him a piece of cheese. He will not touch anything in the isles and he will not, I repeat, will not ask me for candy or cakes or junk of any sort. My child will be a quiet, respectful being who will not be allowed to ride in one of those carts like the overindulged, spoiled and catered to children I so often see riding in them" she would judgmentally think to herself.

That was before Mommy had children of her own.

What were or are your "nevers"?

Saturday, September 4, 2010


Mommy, Bean and Goobs are having an adventure. They are going to visit a new library with their friends Mary and her daughter Miss C. They have not been to this particular library and rumor has it that there is a great little playground nearby.

They arrive at the library and Bean and Miss C are having a great time in the kids area playing with puzzles. Mommy has to go and ruin it by making Bean take a potty break since he hasn't had one for a few hours.
They go into the bathroom while Mary and Miss C watch Goobs. Bean begins his "Mommy I don't have to go" routine, which Mommy isn't buying because he is dancing all over the place. Mommy finally gets him to go tinkle and they wash their hands and leave the bathroom. On the way out the bathroom door, Mommy turns her back and thinks that Bean is out of the bathroom. Most of Bean is out of the bathroom, except for the 4 finger that left between the door and the door frame.

Bean: (Screaming a real scream that sends chills down Mommy's spine) "Mommy! Mommy! Help! My fingers!"

Mommy: (Completely panicked as she can see his fingers stuck and knows that the door is very
heavy and can only imagine what it is doing to her poor little baby's hand) "Oh Bean! Hold on! Oh Baby."

Wailing and screaming ensues. Bean is completely inconsolable. He is crying and screaming at the same time. He refuses to let Mommy look at his hand, but she can see that the fingers are turning black and blue and are swelling. Mommy rushes to tell Mary what happened, since she still has Goobs and then takes Bean outside to try and assess the situation. He WILL NOT STOP CRYING. This starts to scare Mommy because usually when Bean gets hurt, he cries briefly and then finds something more interesting to talk about. No matter what Mommy and Mary try, they can't get him to stop crying. Mommy calls the pediatrician and she suggests that Mommy bring Bean in to seem them. Mommy is putting Bean in the car seat and the sheer sadness and pain in his voice makes Mommy start to cry. Luckily for Mommy, her friend Mary pretends to not notice blubbering Mommy and puts Goobs in the van for her.

So they drive to the doctor. Crying. The whole lot of them.

Bean: "Mommy, I don't want to go to the doctor (sniff sniff). I don't want to go."

Mommy: "Bean, honey, I know you don't want to go but you need to make sure your fingers aren't broken or anything."

Wrong choice of words Mommy.

Bean: "What do you mean broken Mommy? Mommy! I don't want to go to the  doctor Mommy."
(Bean's crying turns to a dull whimper.) "Mommy my fingers don't hurt anymore."

Mommy: (Very suspicious of this because the fingers looked pretty sore and she isn't so sure he is telling the truth) "Bean, are you saying that because it is true or are you saying that because you don't want to go to the doctor?"

Bean: (Incapable of willfully lying because he is three and he doesn't understand the concept of deception yet) "Because I don't want to go to the Dr. Mommy!"

Bean begins to cry again continues to wail all the way to the doctor's office, in the waiting room and the in the exam room as they wait for the doctor to come in. At this point Mommy assumes that if he has been crying this much his fingers surely must be broken.

The doctor comes into the exam and immediately Bean stops crying. Not just quiets down, and whimpers a little but completely ceases crying. No tears. No sad face. Nothing. No indication what so ever of the tragedy that just occurred and that he had been wailing about for the past 30 minutes.

Dr. G: "So, what seems to be the problem here today?"

Bean: "Well Dr. G. I seem to have pinched my fingers in the bathroom door at the new library. You see, Mommy and Goobs and Me went to a new library and my fingers got pinched in the door. It was a very heavy door."

Mommy's jaw drops to the floor. This kid is something else. Is it possible that he isn't as hurt as a she thought? Is it possible that her little boy was being a drama queen? Mommy is astounded. Here is Bean. Talking to the doctor very matter-of-factly as if he is telling her about a new ice cream flavor he has tried.

Dr. G:  (With a huge smirk on her face because, let's face it, the way Bean talks is a little ridiculous for a three year old) "OK, well let's just take a look at those fingers."

Bean: (Hold his hand up for the doctor) "Oh, sure."

Oh sure? Oh sure! He wouldn't even let Mommy within two feet of those fingers and now he says 'Oh sure' to the doctor.

Dr. G: (The doctor takes his hand and begins bending and moving the fingers. Bean sits absolutely still.) "Well, things look pretty good. Can you bend them for me?"

Bean: "Well, I think I'm just going to think about something else right now."

Doctor: (Continues bending and squeezing Bean's fingers) "OK, what are you thinking about?  Are you thinking about...hamburgers?"

Bean: "No, I'm not thinking about hamburgers, but I do like to get Indian Chicken when we go to Wegmans for dinner. Daddy likes burritos. Daddy always gets a burrito when we go to Wegmans for dinner."

At this point Mommy is no longer worried that the boy's fingers are broken. The doctor laughs out loud and tells Mommy that he should be fine. The doctor then tells Mommy to give him some ibuprofen for the pain and to just watch and make sure he is using the hand. Then the doctor leaves the room.

Mommy gets Bean and a Goobs together and they leave the room. On the way out, they see Dr. G.

Bean: "By Dr. G. Thanks. Actually Dr. G. I think I like Tylenol better than I-du-profin, so I'll just take that for my fingers.

Dr. G: "OK, that will be fine as well. Have a good day."

Bean: "Bye. Have a good day."

So, yeah, the fingers are fine. And Bean had a really great story to tell Daddy when he got home from work.