Monday, November 22, 2010

The Gun and War

It's Saturday and Mommy is out for the afternoon to finish up some things for work. Daddy is home with Bean and Goobs. Mommy left them right after she put Goobs down for his nap at 1:00 and she is now returning home around 5:00.

Daddy: (As soon as Mommy walks in the door, Daddy calls Bean) "Bean! Mommy's home. Go show her what you made."

Bean comes running into the kitchen with Goobs's popper toy that now has a wrapping paper cardboard tube taped to it.

Mommy: "What is that thing that you made?"

Bean: "It's my gun Mommy."

Daddy looks at Mommy and makes the 'it was inevitable' face. Mommy has worked really hard to make sure that Bean, who is only three, isn't exposed to violence. She isn't a mom who never lets her kids watch TV or anything, it's just that she is very careful about what they watch. They don't have cable television and mostly Bean watches PBS shows that are educational and fairly harmless. She has no idea where this gun talk is coming from.

Mommy knew that when he started preschool, he would more than likely be exposed to the idea of guns and bad guys and hurting people. She knew this day was coming. She just didn't prepare for it.

Daddy: "Honestly, he came up with this all on his own. I came into the family room and he had the popper and the cardboard tube and was taping it together himself and told me he needed to make a gun for the bad guys. I helped him a little, but it was his idea."

Mommy: "I know. It's ok. I knew it would happen sometime. That is what I have heard about boys. No matter how hard you try, they play guns."

Daddy: "I always played guns when I was little. My parents just told me that I couldn't shoot people. I was only allowed to shoot Bears."

Mommy: "Um, Bears? I don't want him shooting Bears."

Daddy: "Ok, well, we weren't as animally PC as we are now, so I told him that he can only shoot targets and bad machines."

Bean: "Yeah Mommy, only targets and bad machines. No people or animals."

Mommy: (Sighs. Resigning herself once again to the fact that she is surrounded by boys) "OK, well, just remember, no shooting people. That isn't nice."

Bean: "But Mommy, Army men shoot people. How come they can shoot people?"

Mommy looks at Daddy and hopes that he has some way of explaining war to a three year old. They both stand there looking at each other. Completely silent. Neither one knows what to say and is hoping that the other says something first. They are at a standstill. Who will break first? Mommy suspects this is what the sex talk might be like. She figures that maybe if she takes the war talk, Daddy will do the sex one when the times comes.

Mommy: "Well, they don't want to shoot people but sometimes they have to." 

Bean: "Why Mommy."

Mommy looks at Daddy again. She has just walked in from a long few hours at work and she was not prepared for this. She looks at Daddy and he gives her a look that let's her know she is in this one alone.

(In her most chipper and enthusiastic voice) "Who wants dinner? How about we all go to Wegman's for dinner!"

Bean: "I do. Yeah! Can I get Indian chicken? "

And that is how Mommy put off explaining war. Let's hope Wegman's for dinner continues for work for 15 or so more years.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The Skunk

It is Sunday morning. Everyone is getting ready for church. Mommy has showered and dressed and she is looking for Bean so she can get him dressed. In the middle of the floor of her bedroom is the suitcase that still hasn't made it back up to the attic after their weekend trip 4 weeks ago. It is unzipped, but closed. Bean pops out of the suitcase

Bean: "Shhh. You better get away from me or I will spray you."

Mommy: "What are you talking about. What? Do you have a hose or something? Come on, let's go get dressed for church."

Bean: "Get away from my home, or I will spray you. I am a skunk."

Bean then bends over, points his little bottom at Mommy and makes a spraying sound.

Mommy: "Hmm, well Mr. Skunk. Looks like you got me. No spraying people when we get to chuch, got it."

Bean: "I will be a friendly skunk at church Mommy. I am only a wild skunk when I am at home."

Does this mean that Mommy has successfully taught him to be polite in public?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Performance

It's bed time. Mommy has just put Goobs down and she goes into Beans room to read him his stories. Daddy has bathed and jammied Bean. Mommy takes three books from the library pile and settles in on Beans bed ready for stories. Bean jumps off the bed and grabs one of his rhyming fire truck books.

Bean: (Jumping back on the bed and handing the book to Mommy) "Here Mommy, sing this book."

Mommy: (A little surprised. Bean has only recently started singing. He has always been a serious child and it wasn't until he started preschool that Mommy could get him to sing anything, let alone request a song.) "What? You want me to sing the book? OK"

Mommy opens the book and turns to the first page. Bean grabs the book out of Mommy's hand.

Bean: (Sighing at Mommy as if she should know what she is doing here but she is getting it all wrong. In case you can't tell, Bean is rather particular about things.) "Mommy! You are supposed to clap first, like this."

Bean gives two quick claps. Then he hands the book back to Mommy.

Mommy: "Like this?" (Mommy mimicks how Bean just clapped)

Bean: "Yes. That's right. Now sing."

Mommy: "How about a please."

Bean: (Slightly annoyed that Mommy doesn't seem to be doing this correctly) "Please sing Mommy."

And Mommy does. She sings the whole book. Mommy has had some voice training. She did her best opera  voice, including a big finish with spirit fingers and all. Bean doesn't look at the book once. He spends the whole time staring at Mommy with a goofy grin on his face. He seems to be amazed that his mother could be making such a noise.

Mommy: (Finishes up the song, take a deep breath) "Like that? Did I do it right."

Bean: "It was ok. We can try again tomorrow." (Bean hand Mommy another book) "You can just read this one regular Mommy."

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Cozy and the Throwup

Bean had been complaining all afternoon of a stomach ache. Mommy figured that he was hungry and wasn't too concerned. At 1:00 am on Wednesday morning, Mommy realized that Bean was not hungry but that he did in fact have a stomach flu. Mommy knew this because she was standing in the bathroom looking at a pile of very smelly throwup and looking at a very sick, pathetic, puny, sad Bean.

Mommy: "Oh Pumpkin. You're sick. Come on, let's get you out of those yucky pajamas. I'll clean this up. You can come get in bed with me.

Bean: "Mommy, I think that some toot toots must have gotten stuck in one of my pipes and that is why I threw up."

Mommy: (Bean is convinced that his internal organs are really just a series of pipes and drains) "Maybe sweetie. Come on, let's get those jammies off."

Mommy cleans up the bathroom. Daddy helps Bean get some new pajamas on. Daddy goes to get Cozy Blanket from Bean's room and realizes that it has throw up on it as well. Daddy makes an attempt to clean it off with a baby wipe but that doesn't exactly work. Cozy still smells raunchy. Mommy has to break the news to Bean that Cozy has to be washed.

Mommy: "Bean, Cozy got some sick on him. I need to go put him in the wash. You can sleep with me and you can have your fuzzy hat to sleep with."

Bean: (Still puny, so pathetic and completely heartbreaking, he starts to cry.) "Mommy, I love Cozy. I can't sleep without Cozy. Mommy I will miss Cozy."

The crying continues and Mommy realizes she has a decision to make. Put Cozy in the wash and spend the hours of 1am to 3 am consoling her sick, puking, pathetic child, risking waking up the other child and preventing the entire family from getting any sleep, or let the sick child sleep in her bed (while Daddy gets to sleep in the other room) with a very smelly, stinky, throwup blanket. The decision was pretty clear and Mommy wasn't thrilled about it one bit. Once again, Mommy would take one for the team so that everyone could sleep.

Mommy: "Ok, hop in bed. We will wash Cozy in the morning. Just try and keep Cozy on your side so I don't have to smell him."

Bean: (In a fever haze, half awake and still, so pathetic) "I love you Mommy."

So Mommy climbs into bed with Bean, happy that everyone is going to get some sleep. As she drifts off to sleep she continues to get wafts of the stagnant Cozy Blanket and all his throwup glory. Being a Mom is just plain gross  sometimes.

Honestly, what would you have done?

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


Bean has just returned home from an overnight at Mommom and Poppop's house. He is sitting down to lunch with Mommy, Daddy, and Goobs.

Mommy: How was your overnight? Did you have fun with Mommom and Poppop?

Bean: "Yes. But Mommy you need to start putting an undershirt on me."

Mommy: (No idea where this is coming from. The weather is getting cooler, but it hasn't snowed yet and they keep the house at a perfectly comfortable 68 degrees. Bean has never complained about being cold before.) "What? Why do you need an undershirt? You have a long sleeve shirt on. Are you cold?"

Bean: "No. Not now. But that is what Mommom says. She says you need to put an undershirt on me. Mommom say I am always cold because you never put enough clothes on me."

Daddy snickers from his seat and looks at Mommy with a "Hey, I'm staying out of is your family" sort of look.

Mommy: (Loves the fact that Bean tells her everything that goes on everywhere he goes without her, but makes a mental note that Bean tells people everything that goes on when he is not with her and she needs to really make sure she watches what she says) "Oh really. Is that what Mommom says? What else does Mommom say?"

Bean: "Nothing. Just that you don't put enough clothes on me and that I need to tell you to put an undershirt on me."

Mommy looks at Daddy, who is still avoiding eye contact.

Bean: "Mommy, what's an undershirt? Do I have any?"

Mommy: "We could probably find something. Mommom and Poppop are just old and they get cold easily. So, sometimes they think that everyone else is cold as well."

Bean: "Maybe they should put an undershirt on the Mommy."

Mommy: "Maybe they should Bean."

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


Meet Bean the Farmer

and his cow Goobs