Sunday, March 20, 2011

Poor Ernie

Ernie has a slipped disk. The vet told Daddy that Ernie needs to rest and be as still as possible for the next few weeks. The vet then suggested using Ernie's crate to keep him still. So, yesterday after getting back from the vet, Daddy dutifully got the crate out of the garage and got it all set up for Ernie so he could have a little R&R. Guess how that turned out.

Ernie spent the day under the dining room table. Goobs appears to have gotten some rest though.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Going Out

It's 2:45 pm and nap time is over. Mommy is itching to get out of the house so she suggests a quick stop at Target to get Daddy's preferred poop bags (for the dog) and some AAA batteries for Bean's new head lamp.  If everyone is well behaved, Mommy's promises to stop at the library on the way home. Everyone is happy about the plan. Then Bean sees his bike helmet.

Bean: (In the family room at one end of the house. He puts on the bike helmet and hops on his green 4 wheel indoor bike) "Ok Mommy. I just need to ride into the living room and I will put my socks on."

Mommy: "Ok, well ride in there and gets your socks and shoes on and then run to the potty while you are at it so we don't have to go while we are out."

Bean: "I'm a police office Mommy. You have to say 'put your socks on Police Officer Bean'."

Mommy: "Fine, please put your socks and shoes on Police Officer Bean and then got potty."

Bean: "Mommy, do police officers go potty?"

Mommy: "Yes, everyone goes potty."

Bean: "Even firefighters?"

Mommy: Yes, even firefighters. Go get your socks on!"

Bean: "Even firefighter Sean?"

Firefighter Sean is the brother of a friend of Mommy's. Firefighter Sean graciously gave them all a tour of his firehouse and since then Bean has been slightly obsessed.

Mommy: (Blushing to herself because she really doesn't want to think about firefighter Sean, attractive, single and well, a firefighter, using the potty) "Yes Bean, even firefighter Sean uses the potty. Now, GO GET YOUR SOCKS ON!"

Bean rides his bike into the living room. He gets off his bike, takes off his bike helmet, then sets the helmet down on the bike. He picks up his John Deere baseball cap that has a homemade sheriff's badge taped to the front, puts the baseball hat on, and goes to the couch and starts putting his socks on. Mommy has been standing there silently watching.

Mommy: "What was that all about. Why the change of hats?"

Bean: "That is what police officers do when they get off of thier bikes. They put their regular police hat on instead of their police helmet. Probably their police helmets have a police badge on them, right? Will you make me a police badge for my bike helmet.?"

Mommy: (Looking at the clock which now says 3:00. It has taken 15 minutes just to get a pair of socks on this kid. Meanwhile, Goobs is beginning to overheat and get a little grumpy in his coat and hat that Mommy put on him at the beginning of the process.) "Sure, whatever. Just go put your shoes on. They are in the kitchen."

Bean: (Gets down from the couch, goes over to his bike, takes off his baseball/sheriff hat, puts his bike helmet back on, gets on his bike and begins fiddling with his bike helmet to clip the strap) "Police Officer Bean, off to rescue the shoes."

Mommy: "What! What are you doing. No riding your bike. Go get your shoes."

Bean: "Mommy, I have to drive my police bike."

Mommy: "Well drive and get them. What are you doing? Why are you just sitting there?"

Bean: "Mommy, I have to clip my helmet. Otherwise it isn't safe. Police officers always wear their helmets."

Mommy: (Mommy closes her eyes takes a very dramatic deep breath.) "Ok, well can I help you with that clasp so we can move things along?"

Bean: (Looks at Mommy as if she is the silliest person in the world) "Mommy, police officer don't have their Mommy's help them."

Mommy: (Another dramatic deep breath) "Fine."

Bean finally manages to get his helmet secured, rides his bike to the kitchen, picks up his shoes, rides back to the living room, gets off the bike,switches hats, sits on the couch and puts his sneakers on. All the while muttering something about bad guys and catching people.

Meanwhile in the kitchen...

Goobs: "Mama. Skootch chair. Mama up sink."

Mommy looks and finds Goobs at the kitchen sink. He has managed to turn the faucet on and the front of him is soaked. She gets him down and goes searching for another coat to put on him.

Mommy: "Bean, when you have finished putting on your shoes, please go and use the potty."

The clock now says 3:15. Thirty minutes since the process began. Mommy really wants to get out.

Bean finishes putting on his shoes. Mommy is in the living room putting another coat on Goobs. Bean gets off the couch, goes over to his bike, takes off his baseball get the idea. He rides his bike out to the family room, parks it, switches his hat, AGAIN, and goes to the bathroom. He ever so slowly pulls up his underwear and pants, then washes his hands. At this point Mommy is pretty sure she might actually die from the pokiness that is her own son.

Mommy: "Ok, so, are you done. Let's go get your coat on."

Bean motions to go over to his bike and do the whole hat switching thing.

Mommy: (Trying to sound much calmer that she feels) "Alright. I am taking Goobs out to the car and putting him in. When I get back, you need to have your coat on. I don't care how you do it, just get it done. It is on the couch waiting for you."

Mommy goes out to the car and straps Goobs in. She goes back inside and there is Bean with his coat on and his bike helmet.

Bean: "Mommy, I decided to pretend that the car is my bike. Can I wear my helmet to the store."

Mommy:(Relieved that he is actually going to get in the car) "Yes! Absolutely! Yes! Great. Let's get in the car police officer Bean. I mean, let's get on that bike. Let's go!"

Bean is very pleased. Mommy looks at the clock when she finally manages to get herself into the car. 3:30 pm. 45 minutes to get ready to get some poop bags and batteries.

Daddy better appreciate those poop bags.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Bean the Consumer

Today Mommy, Daddy, Bean and Goobs all went to the store together to get a belt and some new shoes for Daddy. Being that Mommy is super duper classy and not at all cheap, they first went to Marshalls hoping to get a good deal on both shoes and belt. Mommy doesn't usually just buy things for Bean willy-nilly, but he had gotten all his stickers on his chore chart for the last two weeks and she had promised him something. So, after helping Daddy pick out some shoes, Mommy and Bean stopped by the toy section. Anyone who has been to Marshalls knows that this section is a mish-mash of unwanted toys from last year. Sometimes there are a few good finds, but most often there is nothing. Mommy directs Bean to the clearance shelf.

Bean: (Pulling a large Star Wars mask off the shelf) "Mommy, can I get this? Is this too expensive?"

Mommy: (Looks at the really ugly toy. It is big and it is loud. Not something Mommy wants floating around the house. She doesn't even look at the price tag) "Yep, too expensive. Find something different."

Bean: (Pulls a truck and small car that have Spiderman on them) "Oh Mommy! This is it. This is what I want. Look! Spiderman!"

Mommy takes the toys and looks it over. Size is right. Doesn't make noise. Price is right. The only problem is that Mommy has worked really had to limit Bean's exposure to all those commercial things that kids seem to become obsessed about. It isn't for any real moral reason except that this stuff is everywhere; cereal, granola bars, sneakers, underwear, it is hard to escape the princesses or superheros wherever you go. Ever since Bean started preschool he has been asking lots of questions about Star Wars and various superheros. Mommy and Daddy have just sort of avoided the subject and danced around the issue. Looks like it is do or die here. Mommy has to make a decision. Does she let this toy into the house. It is just a truck really and seems relatively harmless on its own. But does buying this toy mean that she is now condoning the mass commercialization of our children and handing her own children over to those greedy mega corporations that are too willing to allow her child to become a mindless drone.

Maybe she is putting too much thought into this. It's just a truck Mommy.

Mommy: "Sure, I guess this is fine. Let's go find Daddy."

Mommy and Bean search for Daddy and Goobs and they manage to find them in the miscellaneous section. Bean shows Daddy the Spiderman truck and car.

Bean: "Look Daddy, it has spiderman on it."

Daddy: "Oh, well, I found something else I thought you might like. You will have to pick though. You can only have one."

Daddy proceeds to show Bean a flashlight that can be worn on your head.

Daddy: "This could be good for detective work and looking in dark places. And it's great for rescue work."

Bean looks down at the cheap, plastic, over-commercialized toy in his hand and then he looks at the headlamp that Daddy is holding. He doesn't hesitate for a second.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Sweet Dreams

It's Thursday morning and Bean and Mommy are driving to swimming lessons. Goobs is at home with Mommom. Mommy is only half paying attention because she thinks of her time in the car as her zone out time. The kids are strapped in, there is nothing that they can do to themselves or each other, so she doesn't need to give them her full attention. Bean is in the back chattering away as usual.

Bean: (finishing up a conversation he was having with Mommy that she didn't quite hear all of) "...did you see that Mommy? You were there, did you see how that was?"

Mommy: "What honey? Did I see what."

Bean: "Lightening McQueen and how he was showing us how to trap the birds. You were there Mommy, didn't you see it?"

Mommy: "What are you talking about honey?"

Bean: "My dream Mommy. Did you see it."

Mommy: "Oh, it was something in your dream? No I didn't see that honey."

Bean: "Why not Mommy? But you were there?"

Mommy: "Well, it was your dream. I don't see your dreams. They are only in your head. You are the only one who sees your dreams."

Bean: "Oh. I thought that if you were in them you would see them too."

Mommy: "No, that isn't how it works. What were you and I doing in your dream."

Bean: "Oh, just sitting on the yellow couch."

Mommy: "We were just sitting there. What were we doing."

Bean: "Just talking. It was nice."

And suddenly Mommy finds herself crying. Nothing to alarming, just a significant eye watering. She is in Beans dreams at night and he thinks they are nice dream. For some odd reason this makes her feel like a really good Mom. And before she can dwell too long on this warm fuzzy feeling, she is faced, once again, with the fact she is this kids mother, something that still sends her reeling at times. The fact that she is anyone's mother is a bit startling to her at times. Now he is dreaming about her. Sure, they are nice dreams now. But, when he starts having bad dreams about her does that mean she has totally screwed up and damaged his psyche somehow.

And this is the problem with parenthood people. As soon as you realize you have done something right, the weight of all you have left to do hits you like a ton of bricks. He's only 4. There is still plenty of time to screw it all up.

Then Mommy looks at him in the rear view mirror.

Bean: (Looking at the window at some pigeons sitting on top of a street lamp, he starts waving and yelling at the top of his lungs) "Hi there Birds. Hi! My name is Bean."

Whatever. He's introducing himself to birds. Best not to think about it too much Mommy.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Sir Bean

Bean is into knights. He watched one Backyardigans in which they were knights and he was sold. It is Saturday morning, and they are all eating pancakes.

Bean: "Mommy, do you have any metal?"

Mommy: "What? Metal? What do you mean, 'Do I have metal'?

Bean: "Extra metal Mommy. I want some metal so I can make something."

Mommy does a quick brain scan trying to figure out what Bean could possibly want to make with metal.

Daddy: (Having been a 4 year old boy himself once, Daddy understands perfectly what is going on) "Does this have anything to do with a suit of armor?"

Bean: "Yes! I need some metal to make some armor. I need a sword and a shield and a helmet. I think we can use the crin toil Mommy."

Mommy: "What? What is crin toil?"

Bean: "Mommy, the crin toil that you use in the kitchen."

Mommy: "Oh, the tin foil. It's called tin foil. Maybe you could use that. Cardboard covered with tin foil would look like armor."

So Daddy, being the especially wonderful and creative Daddy that he is, spent the morning making a suit of armor, a sword, a shield (made from one of Mommy's round pizza pans) and a helmet (a bowl covered in tin foil).

Bean comes running upstairs to show Mommy his new costume.

Bean: Mommy! I'm a knight! (He stands in front of Mommy, and then with perfect poise as if he has actually been trained, he bows to Mommy.)

Mommy: (Slightly taken aback because the bow was actually really good and he is so cute) "Oh wow! My knight in shining armor. Hello Knight Bean."

Bean: "No Mommy. It's Sir Bean. You call a knight Sir."

Mommy: "Right, well excuse me. But, I'm Queen Mommy so I can call you whatever I want."

Bean: "No, I don't think you should be Queen Mommy. You are just a person. We can pretend that the Queen is someone else."

Mommy: "That's not much fun. I'm regular Mommy all the time."

Bean: "I didn't say regular Mommy, I said regular Person. You aren't Mommy. I'm Sir Bean, and I'm in charge."

Mommy let Sir Bean continue under the assumption that she was no longer Mommy, but merely a regular person until lunch time, when she made Sir Bean de-knight himself and come to the lunch table.