It's 2:45 pm and nap time is over. Mommy is itching to get out of the house so she suggests a quick stop at Target to get Daddy's preferred poop bags (for the dog) and some AAA batteries for Bean's new head lamp. If everyone is well behaved, Mommy's promises to stop at the library on the way home. Everyone is happy about the plan. Then Bean sees his bike helmet.
Bean: (In the family room at one end of the house. He puts on the bike helmet and hops on his green 4 wheel indoor bike) "Ok Mommy. I just need to ride into the living room and I will put my socks on."
Mommy: "Ok, well ride in there and gets your socks and shoes on and then run to the potty while you are at it so we don't have to go while we are out."
Bean: "I'm a police office Mommy. You have to say 'put your socks on Police Officer Bean'."
Mommy: "Fine, please put your socks and shoes on Police Officer Bean and then got potty."
Bean: "Mommy, do police officers go potty?"
Mommy: "Yes, everyone goes potty."
Bean: "Even firefighters?"
Mommy: Yes, even firefighters. Go get your socks on!"
Bean: "Even firefighter Sean?"
Firefighter Sean is the brother of a friend of Mommy's. Firefighter Sean graciously gave them all a tour of his firehouse and since then Bean has been slightly obsessed.
Mommy: (Blushing to herself because she really doesn't want to think about firefighter Sean, attractive, single and well, a firefighter, using the potty) "Yes Bean, even firefighter Sean uses the potty. Now, GO GET YOUR SOCKS ON!"
Bean rides his bike into the living room. He gets off his bike, takes off his bike helmet, then sets the helmet down on the bike. He picks up his John Deere baseball cap that has a homemade sheriff's badge taped to the front, puts the baseball hat on, and goes to the couch and starts putting his socks on. Mommy has been standing there silently watching.
Mommy: "What was that all about. Why the change of hats?"
Bean: "That is what police officers do when they get off of thier bikes. They put their regular police hat on instead of their police helmet. Probably their police helmets have a police badge on them, right? Will you make me a police badge for my bike helmet.?"
Mommy: (Looking at the clock which now says 3:00. It has taken 15 minutes just to get a pair of socks on this kid. Meanwhile, Goobs is beginning to overheat and get a little grumpy in his coat and hat that Mommy put on him at the beginning of the process.) "Sure, whatever. Just go put your shoes on. They are in the kitchen."
Bean: (Gets down from the couch, goes over to his bike, takes off his baseball/sheriff hat, puts his bike helmet back on, gets on his bike and begins fiddling with his bike helmet to clip the strap) "Police Officer Bean, off to rescue the shoes."
Mommy: "What! What are you doing. No riding your bike. Go get your shoes."
Bean: "Mommy, I have to drive my police bike."
Mommy: "Well drive and get them. What are you doing? Why are you just sitting there?"
Bean: "Mommy, I have to clip my helmet. Otherwise it isn't safe. Police officers always wear their helmets."
Mommy: (Mommy closes her eyes takes a very dramatic deep breath.) "Ok, well can I help you with that clasp so we can move things along?"
Bean: (Looks at Mommy as if she is the silliest person in the world) "Mommy, police officer don't have their Mommy's help them."
Mommy: (Another dramatic deep breath) "Fine."
Bean finally manages to get his helmet secured, rides his bike to the kitchen, picks up his shoes, rides back to the living room, gets off the bike,switches hats, sits on the couch and puts his sneakers on. All the while muttering something about bad guys and catching people.
Meanwhile in the kitchen...
Goobs: "Mama. Skootch chair. Mama up sink."
Mommy looks and finds Goobs at the kitchen sink. He has managed to turn the faucet on and the front of him is soaked. She gets him down and goes searching for another coat to put on him.
Mommy: "Bean, when you have finished putting on your shoes, please go and use the potty."
The clock now says 3:15. Thirty minutes since the process began. Mommy really wants to get out.
Bean finishes putting on his shoes. Mommy is in the living room putting another coat on Goobs. Bean gets off the couch, goes over to his bike, takes off his baseball hat...you get the idea. He rides his bike out to the family room, parks it, switches his hat, AGAIN, and goes to the bathroom. He ever so slowly pulls up his underwear and pants, then washes his hands. At this point Mommy is pretty sure she might actually die from the pokiness that is her own son.
Mommy: "Ok, so, are you done. Let's go get your coat on."
Bean motions to go over to his bike and do the whole hat switching thing.
Mommy: (Trying to sound much calmer that she feels) "Alright. I am taking Goobs out to the car and putting him in. When I get back, you need to have your coat on. I don't care how you do it, just get it done. It is on the couch waiting for you."
Mommy goes out to the car and straps Goobs in. She goes back inside and there is Bean with his coat on and his bike helmet.
Bean: "Mommy, I decided to pretend that the car is my bike. Can I wear my helmet to the store."
Mommy:(Relieved that he is actually going to get in the car) "Yes! Absolutely! Yes! Great. Let's get in the car police officer Bean. I mean, let's get on that bike. Let's go!"
Bean is very pleased. Mommy looks at the clock when she finally manages to get herself into the car. 3:30 pm. 45 minutes to get ready to get some poop bags and batteries.
Daddy better appreciate those poop bags.