Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Mr. Rochester Fassbender

Dear Michael Fassbender:

According to my records you now owe me a whopping $613.75. Below is a breakdown of the debt incurred because of your charm.

4/5/11 - Item: Computer - $550. The cost of replacing the computer that I completely destroyed by dumping an entire large cup of coffee on it while watching the preview to Jane Eyre in anticipation of seeing it on the big screen on Friday of the same week.

4/5/11 - Item: Large Coffee - $4.50: See above.

4/9/11 - Item: Sauce Ingredients - $2.75: Burned while watching this clip 6 times in a row on You Tube.

4/9/11 - Item: High End Teflon Pot - $45.00 - Ruined by burned sauce (see above) after finding this clip of Jane Eyre on You Tube after burning sauce.

4/10/11 - Item: Admission Ticket - $8.00: Price of admission for me to see this movie a second time in three days, adding to the over all obsession. You are not being charged for the first ticket because I made a conscious choice to see this movie and was not yet under your influence.

4/11/11 - Item: Kitchen Cart Drawer Repair - $10.00: Price of repairs to a kitchen drawer that Goobs pulled out and threw on the floor while I was reading passages of Jane Eyre for the third time in three days. Usually when I read this book (4-5 times a year) I am able to read from beginning to end without getting caught up. But, for some reason, this time through I find myself stopping at certain passages wondering how you would say it.

4/11/11 - Item: Diet Coke (2 cans) $1.50 - The cost of replacing two cans of diet coke that Goobs dumped out on the living room floor while watching this interview of you on You Tube.

And, if I start reading romance novels I reserve the right to bill you for my expensive college education and degree in English literature that was to guarantee me a lifetime of good taste in literature which you may have completely ruined by turning me into a simpering twit who has become disgustingly sentimental.

For the personal safety of my children, my sanity and the general state of my home, I must part from you and your lovely Irish brogue.

I'll have my people contact your people about where you can send your payment. Thank you.

Sincerely Yours,


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