Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Birds and the Bees according to Bean

Bean is a literal child. He was never happy with silly explanations about how things worked. He wanted specific, real, accurate explanations, preferably with charts and illustrations if at all possible. So, when Bean asks a question about how something works or why something is the way it is, Mommy and Daddy have found that the real explanation is usually the best way to go with Bean. He listens intently and then absorbs. Most times he gets it right when he repeats back whatever it is that he now knows to anyone who is willing to listen.

Three weeks ago Bean asked the question Mommy has been dreading since she became a parent.

Bean: "Mommy, do you think you should grow another baby?"

Mommy: "Well, Daddy and I aren't sure we need anymore babies. Babies are a lot of work. And babies are expensive."

Bean: "But Mommy, when you did grow me and Goobs, how did we get in your tummy anyway."

Mommy: "Well, let's see. It's kinda complicated. But, basically, I have a bunch of eggs in my tummy. Daddy put a seed in there and the seed and the egg came together and a baby grew. (Mommy has never liked the "seed" reference and this conversation is starting to give her the willies, but she is trying to explain the whole thing in a way that doesn't give too much information but doesn't give wrong information either.)

Bean listens to this explanation and the goes about his business.

Until yesterday. In the car. On the way home from an errand they were running with Aunt Bethie. Out of the blue Bean perks up.

Bean: " Mommy? How does the seed get in your tummy anyway."

Mommy: (Mommy had pretty much for gotten the previous conversation from three weeks ago.) "What? What are you talking about?"

Bean: "The seed that Daddy puts in your tummy to grow a baby. How does it get there."

There it is. That's the question. At this point Mommy should have referred him to Daddy.

Aunt Bethie starts laughing quietly in the front seat. Mommy sits there a little bewildered, not really sure how to answer this part. She knows that what she says could be something repeated on the school bus for years to come. Oh dear.

Mommy: (Figures honestly is the best policy. She takes a deep breath and prepares herself for what is about to come out of her mouth.) "It comes from Daddy's penis."

Bean: **Silence**

He remains silent for the entire ride home.

Fast forward to bed time. Bean is complaining of a sore throat. Daddy has gone to sit with him while Mommy gets her shower. Mommy walks towards Beans room and meets Daddy in the hallway.

Daddy: "I have no idea what he is talking about. He must be dreaming or something. He is talking about a seed that is used to make babies got into his throat and turned yellow and it grew a virus and that is why he has a scratchy throat. He said it was because he has a penis. What does that mean?"

Mommy: (Coughs and tries to play dumb) "Um, I have no idea where he could have gotten an idea like that."

Next time Bean asks, Mommy is going to tell him to go ask Daddy.