Sunday, February 19, 2012

General Mommy

Saturday afternoon. Mommy is cleaning dishes. Daddy is playing with the boys in the family room.

Bean: (Puts his fingers in his mouth and pretends to whistle) "Daddy! Didn't you hear me? I said wooo wooo" (Again puts his fingers in his mouth and pretends to whistle.)

Daddy: "Yeah, I heard you. Great whistle."

Bean: "Daddy, when I whistle like that you are supposed to come to me right away."

Daddy: "Um, I think you must have mistaken me for Ernie. I'm not a dog."

Bean: "Daddy, I know you aren't a dog. You are my Daddy and you are suppose to come here  when I whistle."

Mommy is listening to this conversation. She peaks around the corner and catches Daddy's eye. They both look at each other wondering where Bean got this notion.

Daddy: "Um, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to come running when you whistle."

Bean: "Yes you are Daddy. You are suppose to come to me right away and then you are suppose to go like this. (Bean then shows Daddy how he should salute.)

Daddy: "Well, I know I'm definitely not supposed to salute you. It's supposed to be the other way around. Besides, I only have one person in this house that I have to answer and salute to. Her name is Mommy."

Sunday, February 5, 2012

The Pains of Motherhood

It's Friday. Mommy is feeling especially capable today and decided that not only is she going to take both children to the grocery store, but she is going to stop at the library to pick up a book she has on hold and return a few items. It shouldn't take more than a few minutes and Mommy is very confident in herself as a mother and her children, who were perfect angels at the grocery store and most certainly be at the library as well.

They are at the library check out counter. Bean has been a little antsy but has for the most part stayed still. Goobs is walking around Mommy in circles muttering to himself. Mommy is just finishing up and is getting her library card from the the librarian when Goobs takes off. Running. Full speed.

Goobs: (Screaming at the top of this lungs) I'm running Mommy! I'm Running! Run! Run! Run!

He dashes behind a book case. Bean takes off after him.

Bean: (Also screaming at the top of this lungs) "Goobs is on the rampage. Look out everyone. Goobs is on the rampage. Ahhhhh!"

Clearly they are having great fun. Hilarious.

Everyone is watching Mommy as if to say "how could you take such monsters in public". The 4 librarians, the 8 other people waiting in line and the tables full of computer users all within view of the front desk. Mommy takes off in a mad dash to grab the spirited Goobs. As she is taking off, she trips, twists her ankle and falls flat on her face. Right there in front of everyone who are still glaring because while Mommy is laying on the floor of the library in obvious pain, her children are still running through the library screaming "Run" and "Goobs is on the rampage."

Mommy: (In a voice that is NOT appropriate for the library, but at this point does it really matter,) "Bean! Get over here right now!"

Bean: (Bean knows the tone and comes over to Mommy) "Why are you sitting on the floor Mommy?"

Mommy: (Reminds herself that there are at least 20 people watching her at the moment, and even though every single one of those 20 spectators thinks each child deserves to be laying on the floor there along side their mother, she can't and won't beat them. No matter how badly she wants to. No matter how badly her ankle hurts. No matter how close she is to tears. No matter how completely and utterly humiliated she is. She calmly and quietly replies) "I fell. Now go get your brother and get over here."

Goobs comes over and looks at Mommy. He knows. He knows by the look on Mommy's face and he is starting to look a little remorseful.

Mommy gets up off the floor.  Picks up her purse and all the things that have fallen out of it, grabs Bean's hand, grabs Goobs' hand and with her head held high, walks past the 20+ people who have just witnessed Mommy's worst day of motherhood.

Bean: "Mommy. I know you are mad about something. I'm not sure what it is but I just want you to know it isn't my fault. I was being good. Right?  I was being good right? Wasn't I being good?"

Goobs: (Screaming and crying) "I want to run Mommy! No I don't want to leave I want to run!"

Somehow neither child understands that Mommy just suffered a physical injury from being a mother to these two children. She prepared herself for the mental sacrifices, but a busted ankle is just a little over the top, even for this mother.

Mommy gets Mayhem and Destruction buckled into their seats. She opens her door, sits in her seat and lets the flood gates open. 15 minutes, two very puffy eyes and an ankle that has swollen to three times it's normal size later, they are on their way home from their outing which Mommy was so certain was going to be smooth, easy and drama free.

This is Mommy's ankle.

A these are the two little angles that did it.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Married Life

It's Saturday afternoon. Goobs is upstairs taking his nap. Mommy is sitting in the living room reading a book. Daddy and Bean are at the kitchen table playing with Legos.

Bean: "Daddy, do you know what Daddy?"

Daddy: "What Bean?"

Bean: "When I grow up the only person I want to marry is Mommy."

Daddy: "Well, you can't marry Mommy."

Bean: "Why not, I love her."

Daddy: "Well she's your Mommy. You can't marry your Mommy. And besides, she is already married to me."

Bean: (Thinks for a while, fiddles with some Legos) "Ok, well I can marry someone else but I think that we will still live here with Mommy."

Bean comes running over to Mommy to inform her of his life plan.

Bean: (Somehow Bean has equated 16 with full adulthood and being allowed to do everything he wants to do) "Mommy, I wanted to marry you but since I can't, when I turn 16, I will marry someone else but we will just live here with you."

Mommy: "Um, well, you will always be welcome in our house. Your wife might not be all that into living with your parents though. We are pretty great, but sometimes girls get these crazy notions of wanting their own house and stuff."

Bean: (Thinks a little while longer.) "Well I won't marry her unless she lets us live here. And besides, when I come and get in bed with you at night, she can come too and then she will feel like part of the family."

Mommy: "Hmmm, um, yeah. That might be a little weird Bean. Hopefully, by then you will be sleeping in your own bed at least, even if you do still live here."

Bean: "No, I'm always going to want to sleep with you."

Mommy: "Well, that's ok for now. How about we just worry about that when you are older."

Bean: "OK, but I'm not going to change my mind. When I'm 16 I'm going to watch Star Wars and Transformers and sleep in bed with you. It's going to be great."