Wednesday, September 5, 2012

First for Everyone

Today is Bean's first day of Kindergarten. Bean is attending a small (2 classrooms per grade), Catholic elementary school. Basically, Mommy and Daddy chose this school for Bean because it would be a warm and nurturing environment with a great scholastic foundation.  Of course, that does nothing to ease Mommy's first day jitters. At 3:30 in the morning, Mommy's eyes shot open and she was unable to sleep because of the following irrational worries.

1. What if Bean has to go to the bathroom but doesn't ask. How horrible would it be for him to have an accident on his first day of school. Of course he hasn't had an accident in over 3 years, but really, it could happen. And then what if he gets lost on his way back from the bathroom, even though it is right across the hall from his classroom. Then he will be lost and surely someone will steal him.

2. What if he gets lost trying to find his classroom after Mommy drops him off. What if he never finds his classroom and he spends the day wondering the halls and then wandering outside, looking for Mommy, who has abandoned him. Of course the doors to the school remain locked at all times and there are many volunteer Moms who help the kids find their classrooms, but what if they don't see him and he gets lost and someone steals him.

3. What if he can't open the ziplock bag to get his strawberries out. Then he won't have any fruit for the day and then he won't be able to do a number 2 today and then he will be all constipated and sitting in his classroom tomorrow. Then he will have to spend more time in the bathroom and no one will notice and someone will be able to steal him.

4. Have to remember to put his name in his backpack. The school was very specific that everything needed to be labeled. If Mommy forgets, the school will think she neglectful and then they will try and take him away.

It went on like this until 6:00 am when Bean came into Mommy and Daddy's room and awoke them.

Bean: "Morning Mommy! I start school today. I'm so excited."

Mommy: (Her eyes are heavy from lack of sleep and her mind is still racing with terror as she prepares to send her first born off into the world unaccompanied and completely alone.) "I know! First day of school! Yeah! You are going to do great. " (Thinking to herself, 'can't show him my fear, can't show him my fear, can't show him my fear. Dear God I'm afraid')

Bean: "You go pack my lunch Mommy, I'm going to have breakfast with Daddy. Don't forget my strawberries"

Mommy: (Turns her back so Bean won't see her face as she remembers that somehow last night in her mind she decided that packing strawberries for Bean's lunch would result in him being stolen away from her) "Right, strawberries for lunch and grapes for snack."

Bean: "And don't forget a cheesestick."

Mommy: (Completely panicking now because she isn't sure if Bean is able to open a cheesestick wrapper himself) "Yep, one cheesestick, coming up."

By 6:30 in the morning, Mommy was a complete emotional basket case inside her head. When Bean was finally dropped off, he was confident and cheerful. Mommy's waved and smiled and said goodbye like it was just another day. Once she pulled out of the parking lot, the tears started and it only took 45 minutes for them to stop. When did he get so big? Good luck Bean. Happy first day of school.

Monday, September 3, 2012

Mop of Destruction

Mommy always feels particularly ambitious on Mondays. As the week progresses, she feels less and less capable of doing anything other than keeping the children alive, but on Monday's she feels as if she is a completely contented, domesticated and capable mother/wife/cook/housekeeper etc. Sunday night, after a weekend with Daddy home for two days and the children playing contentedly and happily, Mommy makes her list for the week. Things she is going to do, meals she is going to cook, activities she is going to do with Bean and Goobs. On Sunday nights, Mommy feels as if she really has her shit together and she can accomplish just about anything.

It's Monday morning. Daddy has left for work.  The previous night, Mommy decided that today, Magical Monday, she would mop the kitchen floor,vacuum  the whole house and that she just might dust because she is Mommy and it is Monday and on Monday anything is possible.

Mommy sets Bean and Goobs up in the family room with Ernie and closes the gate to keep everyone out of the kitchen while she mops.

Mommy: "Kay guys, I'm going to vacuum and then mop. Everyone stay out here till I finish so the floor will dry."

Bean and Goobs: (With sweet and angelic voices) "Ok Mommy."

Mommy retrieves the bucket and the mop from the basement. She plugs in the vacuum and starts vacuuming.

Bean opens the gate to get something from upstairs. Ernie escapes and begins attacking the vacuum. No problem. It's Monday. Mommy simply puts Ernie back in the family closes the gate again. Resumes vacuuming.

Bean opens the gate again to go back into the family room. Ernie escapes again. Mommy puts Ernie outside. That solves that problem. Feeling proud of herself Mommy resumes vacuuming, a mere 15 minutes after starting.

Goobs: (Yelling over the vacuum) "Mommy! A toot is coming! A toot is coming!"

Mommy stops vacuuming. Retrieves Goobs from the family room, a little irritated at how long just the vacuuming part of this noble endeavor is taking, but still feeling like a million bucks because her newly potty trained Goobs is proudly pronouncing when he has to use the bathroom. Mommy helps Goobs with his toot. Ten minutes later, Mommy starts vacuuming again.

This goes on for another 30 minutes with stops for Bean to use the bathroom, both Bean and Goobs insisting that they need milk or they will surely die of thirst, another show to be put on, and finally Ernie has been outside for 30 minutes now and is starting to bark so Mommy has to let him back in. After only 50 minutes from when she started, Mommy has the kitchen vacuumed.

She will not be deterred. It is Monday. She must have something to show for her day. She prepares her mopping gear and locks everyone back in the family room.

Mommy: (Admittedly starting to feel just a little bit irritated) "Alright. I am going to mop. This will take 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes. Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, let me just mop. Please. 10 minutes. Don't hit each other, don't bite each other, don't bother the dog and don't come out of the family room. Please."

Bean and Goobs: "OK Mommy."

Bean: "Come on Goobs, let's play bad guys."

Bean and Goobs go off to the far corner of the family room and start pretending to get the ever illusive bad guys.

Mommy starts mopping the floor. She is half way through when she hears the family room gate open and the little pitter patter of feet.

Bean: (In a whisper) "Goobs! I found the bad guy."

Goobs runs out to the kitchen, grabs onto Mommy's hand, forcing the mop to the ground, with Bean following behind brandishing his play sword.

Bean: "Evil Mommy! Get the Evil Mommy! She can't escape us!"

Goobs then proceeds to handcuff Mommy with the play handcuffs while Bean grabs Mommy's other hand and hold it behind her back.  Mommy is so surprised by this attack they actually manage to get one hand cuffed and the other behind her back.

Mommy: "What the heck! I'm trying to Mop!"

Goobs: "Evil Mommy and her Mop of Destruction."

Mommy just stares at the two of them and decides to call it a day. Half of the floor was mopped. That's better than none, right?

And this is why, at any given moment, if you decided to visit the home of Bean and Goobs, it will be a complete mess. But really, you must give Mommy points for trying.